Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Baby Over 40

Am I too old to have another? 

I don’t worry about my health, I worry about my sanity.

With 3 kids under 5, would my psychy survive?

Am I crazy to even entertain the idea?

The backstory is that we used IVF to get pregnant with the twins and during that 1st (and only) cycle they were able to retrieve plenty of great eggs.  When it was time to implant, we decided to implant 3, leaving 4 on ice.  4 embryo’s, not eggs.  Big difference in my mind and my husband’s. 

When we were in the process of IVF, it never entered our minds what we would do with the remaining embryo’s.  The thinking was to hope for as many good eggs as possible, so that if the one cycle failed, we would have others to implant.  Truthfully, I went in to the whole process very positive and had a very strong feeling that we would conceive out of the gate.  I never thought about the other eggs we fertilized.  Which, I admit, was very reckless.  I just didn’t think that far in advance.

So, now here we are with 4 embryo’s on ice and I feel a responsibility to give them a chance.

I really can’t wrap my head around 4 more children and I know that James cannot either, but we both feel a moral responsibility to those babies.  So, our game plan will be to put one in at a time and see what happens.

I have no idea when we are going to do this, but it will be soon as I am not getting any younger.  In fact, in a few days I will be 41.  Is it too old?  I don’t think so in this day and age.

And in case you were wondering.  Caroline was conceived naturally while we were in North Carolina on vacation scouting out a new state for us to live in.    Hence her name…Caroline Smile

Monday, May 23, 2011

A Fun Weekend!

As I wrote in an earlier post, my health has been acting up lately and some days are better than others.  Unfortunately, I had a flare up on Saturday and was left pretty much down for the count.

But on Sunday!  That was a whole different story!  I was up and raring to go!  James & I decided to split up the kids and he took Grace on a hike and I took Jake & Caroline to our favorite park that has a train you ride around the park and it also has a carousel!  The kids had a great time and so did James & I.

Here's some pics!

I hope you all had a great weekend too!!

The Simple Life

Does it exist?

I am constantly craving the simple life.  I want to know my neighbors...all of them.  Not just the one to the right of us.  I want to live in a community.  I want to live in an area that shares my religious beliefs and political beliefs. Here, we are in the minority on both of those.  I am tired of people actually laughing in my face because they think I am joking when I tell them I have been to Bible study.  This is my reality and not one I want my kids raised in.

My Mom's side of the family is all from Waco, Texas and I have been surrounded by the Southern tongue forever!  My Grandma who has lived her for at least 55yrs, STILL has an accent as thick as molasses and it is music to my ears.  There is a lot to be said for the way people act in the South.  People are much more friendly there and southern charm still exists!

My heart really craves the South.  I need to be there.  I need to raise my children there.  I need the slower pace.  There are so many pro's for my family moving, but with pro's, comes the con's.

My parents and my husband's parents are all here.  That would mean that my kids would not get to see them on the regular basis that they do now.  I know that the relationships that have been formed between my parents and my children would stay sound.  I have no doubt about that and my parents would make sure of it!  It just means that the frequency of the visits would be spread out. 

But as a woman, who was once a child, I will always need my mommy.  There I said it aloud.  I will miss my parents beyond words.  I am extremely close to my mom & dad and I'm not sure my anxiety could handle being across the country from them :(  But, I am an adult now (begrudgingly so) and I need to do what's best for my family and I do believe that this would be the right decision. 

My mom has always said that I should have been born in the 50's, and I really do think she is right!  I want to stay home with my kids.  I want to volunteer at worthy causes and feel like I am giving something back to my community. 

But most of all, I want to feel like I am home.  And I don't not feel that now. 

Tell me, where do you live and do you like it?  Does it feel like home?  Are you considering a move?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Many Bambino's

Ever since I could remember, my goal in life was to have many, many kids and stay home and raise them.  Back in that young mind of mine, I totally had the whole thing planned out.  My husband would work, I would stay home and raise the babies, clean the house, fix the dinner, etc.  My mom always said that I was born in the wrong era and I couldn't agree more!  I still long for that dream to become a reality. 

But, welcome the monkey wrench in to the plans.

It appears as tho, I have zilch for patience.  How is that my dream is to stay home surronded by little voices, messes and God knows what else when the slightest bit of chaos has me pulling my hair out?

Could I have been that wrong about my dream??  I only have 3 kids and beg to be able to take a shower or go to the bathroom without an audience!!  It is true that I don't have a lot of down time from the kids, but still, if I was a stay at home mom, the same would be true and even more so!!  I would be with them 24/7, where as now, I work full-time Monday-Friday and only have the mornings and evenings with them during the week and then they are with us full-time on the weekends.  It's a strain.  It's a strain on my marriage.


I think I want another????  What is wrong with me?!!  Someone needs to seriously lock me up!

Please tell me there are others of you out there just like me that would do it all over again!!  Please!!!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

A Beautiful Life

I was watching a 20/20 special with Stephanie Nielson, the author of the Nie Nie Dialogues, who survived a horrific plane crash that burned over 60-80% of her body.   She went on to tell her story of how her kids had to get to know their ‘new’ mommy and how her then 22month old thought her sister was his mommy.  She has had countless operations.  Had to endure more pain than anyone could possibly understand and do you know what she said at the end of her interview when asked if she had any regrets??

She said that she had no regrets and that she has a beautiful life!

I am amazed at how some people pull themselves up from the bottom and carry on.  They do not look back; only forward.  They do not wallow in self pity.  They don’t waste time thinking of what was and what is.  The concentrate on the good.  The now.

I seriously think some people are just wired this way and I do not believe myself to be one of them.  I get caught up in my drama.  Which compared to others, would be a joke. 

I get caught up in the fact that I have gained weight.  I get caught up in the fact that I have hit a rough spot within myself.  There are many days when I don’t want to get out of bed.  When staying in my pajamas seems like the best choice out there.

Then there are other days when I feel like I am as happy as happy could be.  When the perfect song will come on the radio and I will sing my heart out.  When the perfect day has brought the perfect weather.  There are many days like this, but it seems as of lately, that there are too many bad days to outweigh the good.

I have had health issues all my life and again I am dealing with another.  Nothing life threatening, just life annoying!  I live in constant pain.  Some days the pain is better than others.  Right now, it sucks.  It’s uncomfortable.  It sucks to be in chronic pain.  It sucks to be told that an answer to this is a hysterectomy.   It all sucks.

And yet, here is a woman who knows what pain really is.   I commend her for her willpower and strength.  She is truly a role model.

I think I will adopt her philosophy….

“Life is Beautiful”

His and Hers

I know this is just a picture of two ball caps, but it is so much more to me.

It reflects partnership, teammates, true love.

He is my husband and the man of my dreams.  I am forever grateful that I met him and that he asked for my hand in marriage.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

A Brave Little Man

On May 3rd, in the afternoon, brave Phinean Halligan took his last breath.  

He was only 2 1/2 yrs old

He faught so hard for a year

When will this end?  
Mad, does not even begin to express all the rage I feel about this.

You can pay your respects at www.caringbridge.org/visit/phinhalligan