Welcome to Holland

A friend of mine posted this on her Facebook page and I couldn't resist re-posting it here.

This is the perfect way to describe raising a child with special needs.

Welcome to Holland
by Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not share that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this....

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and catch your breath, you look around...and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills...and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandt's.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy...and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away....because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But...if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't go to Italy, you many never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things....about Holland.

Wordless Wednesday

My Son

I know that I talk a lot about Grace and Caroline and have shown pics of the girls and Jake, but have just realized that I have never written a post just about him.

I thought about why I hadn't yet done it and I think it's because I feel so protective of him. He is my son and that little boy owns my heart! And for reasons I am still unsure of, I have a hard time writing about him. Not because I don't want to share him with the world, but I think because I am just protective of him.

When Jake was 11months old, I knew something was off with him. There would be many times that I would say his name and he would not budge. I could scream it from the top of my lungs and it was like he had selective deafness. He would not hear me or recognize that I was calling his name.

There were times that he would stare out the window at the willow tree. Watching the switches blow back and forth. He would just get lost in his thoughts. It was actually very serene and calm to watch him so still and content.

He was obsessed with opening and closing drawers. He was obsessed with anything that had wheels...still is! He could/wouldn't talk. His vocabulary was very, very limited.

The first thought that entered my head was that he is Autistic. So we started down the road of evaluation after evaluation. It was a long, long process. That involved many, many appointments with speech & occupational therapists as well as a couple of child psychologists.

After all the testing was done it was decided that he would start intensive speech and occupational therapy, otherwise known as ABA therapy. He started all this when he was 24 months old. The timing worked out to be perfect as I was pregnant with Caroline at the time and had just started my maternity leave. So the therapist would come to our house everyday for 6 hours a day. It wasn't long before we started seeing immediate progress!

After about 2 weeks of therapy, I finally heard what I had been waiting months and months for....he looked over at me and said "Mama"! There was no holding back those tears. So many worries vanished that day. And the smile that was on his face was one of pride and accomplishment. He was so proud that he was finally able to communicate with us! I will never forget that day!

He is now 3 1/2 years old and goes to a state funded school everyday for 4 hours a day where he still continues his therapy. They say that he is intellectually off the chart, and now they are working on his social skills.

He has come such a long, long way from where he was just a year ago and I am so, so proud of my wonderful son.

I love you baby boy!

~Mama

What time is it?

It is a running joke in my family that I am obsessed with time. Everytime I go in for another surgery (more on that in another post), the first thing I say when I wake up is "What time is it?
". Why? I have no idea. But it is an obsession. I will ask that question for the next couple or hours until the meds wear off.

Well funny thing is.....it's genetic! Grace has now become obsessed with the time. She will ask me at random times "what time it is?". Now remember she is 3 and has no concept of time.

Funny how the kids get the good and BAD traits ;)

Am I crazy??

I think I want to have another baby! Even as I type this it sounds insane! My husband and I are already stretched so thin emotionally as well as the financially, but the motherly instinct is calling at me!

I have two friends that as I type this could be having their babies. One is pregnant with twins, the other is pregnant with her third. Maybe that is what is making me want another one.

I miss the baby stage. I miss their sweet smell. I miss the cuddles.

From as far back as I can remember, I always wanted a big family. In my mind, it was always, "the more the merrier". But living where we do, does not make that easy. Daycare around here is astronomical!! Truth be told, that is the only reason why I am not pregnant right now! I am going to have to figure out a 'work-around' to this problem!

I guess all I need to do is go on another vacation sans kids and hope that I get knocked up ;)

Wordless Wednesday

This was Caroline's first time brushing her teeth with Bubba & Sissy! She was soo excited to have her own toothbrush!

I told her to say 'cheese', she turned, toothbrush still and mouth, and said "CHEESE!"

She is becoming such a big girl now! Where did my baby go??

Guilt

I'm not even sure where to begin with this post. So many thoughts are whirling away in my head and I'm not sure how to get them all out in one piece.

The guilt that goes along with parenting is at times debilitating. I struggle so much as a mom. I want my kids to have a 'perfect' childhood and I always seem to fall short on that order.

As you know I have 3 kids, 3 and under. People always say "wow" when I tell them that and then look at me as if I am amazing because of it. But what they don't see is that every fiber of me is cracked.

I'm guilty because I have to work. I'm guilty because I get frustrated when the twins act up...which at their age is almost always. I'm guilty because when I get to work from home, I don't have them with me and that I choose to send them to daycare and not home with me because I need a break. I feel guilty and awful for even having admitted that.

There are parents all around this world that would do anything to have their child around them bugging them and I, at times, send them to daycare.

My soul is in turmoil. I love my kids more than I could even express and only God knows how much they mean to me.

I struggle daily that I am not the parent that I thought I would be. I wish I had the patience to be the mom I always envisioned I was. I am sorely falling short of how I would be as a mom.

Everything is always rushed and no time to sit and smell the roses. We rush to get up and get out of the house. Then we rush when we get home to get dinner on the table. To get baths done. To get some type of quality time in before they go to bed. And that quality time, is usually filled with many timeouts and frustrated moments.

As silly as it sounds, I truly believe that I should have been a mother in the 50's. I truly dream of staying home with my babies and making our house a home. Ever since I was a little kid, all I ever wanted to do was be a mom and my dream has come true. But I feel that I am soo bad at this mom thing.

I am in awe of others that I see that appear to be handling motherhood so much better than I. And I wonder, how do they do it? They are working full-time and yet seem completely together and calm.

I know this post sounds very choppy and I apologize for that. But that is how it all is sounding in my head. Many, many questions and not enough answers.

I just want my kids to look back on their childhood and know that mommy loved them more than anything and that they look back with happy memories.

My children are my everything and I just don't want to fail them.

MckMama Giveaway!!

This is too good to pass up! I hope I win! This would be more than awesome to win!

Good luck everyone!

MckMama Giveaway - just click here!

~Jenn

Where is December going??

Oh my! The month is flying by.

Typically the day after Thanksgiving, the Christmas decorations are up, the tree has been bought and decorated.

Fast foward to today, 12/3 and the house is bare of Christmas decorations! I am slipping in my old age!

Seriously! It feels like I blinked and here we are in December already. I love, love this time of year and usually can't wait to decorate the house and get ready for a visit from Old Saint Nick. But geez, the days are going by much faster this year. And it doesn't help that by the time I get home from work it is dark and I cannot get into the shed to get the decorations out due to lack of light!

I am going to work from home tomorrow and make sure I get those damn decorations out before dark!

Wordless Wednesday

It's the most wonderful time of the year

I know that statement is typically used to express winter/Christmas, but today it truly felt like the most wonderful time of the year.

I was walking to the cafeteria to get lunch and as I was walking the corridor, I was loving the sights of fall. The trees are more bare now as leaves are almost done falling. The sky was a beautiful blue and the weather was absolutely perfect. Sweater weather, but comfy, not too cold.

It was one of those moments where you just have to stop and take it all in. The beauty of it all.

Life is good today!

Thanksgiving 2009

I am happy and thankful for so much in my life. My children are healthy and happy. My husband & I are both healthy and happy. Life is good!

Happy Thanksgiving All!!

The Great Communicator

It has been brought to my attention that I am not a great communicator.

At 39 you would think that I would have life all figured out by now, but not a chance!

God bless my husband for being a forgiving and patient human being. I am now aware that when he & I fight, I shut down like the Great Wall of China. I never really knew why I would shut down so hard and honestly didn't always know how to process all the info that was coming in and out of me. I have realized that when we fight, I am so afraid to say the wrong things and make things much worse and afraid that whatever I have said would be the final straw and he would leave. And to be clear, this is not because of anything he has said or done, this is all me and the way I have learned to communicate, or shall I say, not communicate.

I love my husband more than any other I have ever been with. He possesses all those qualities that mean so much to me in a partner. He is the perfect husband for me! And our kids are soo lucky to have him as their father.

And that is exactly why I shut down so hard. I am so afraid of losing him that I put up those walls....to protect myself.

I guess I know what my New Years resolution will be.

Here's to me...in hoping I figure this crap out sooner rather than later.

And now some good news!!

Thanks to Jenny for sending me this info!!

Sally at www.tuesdayshope.blogspot.com welcomed a beautiful baby boy into the world!

Congratulations to all and welcome to the world little Angus!

A kick in the gut

Today a lady I have read about on blogs suffered a massive stroke. As I type this her outcome is unknown. She is married, has 3 children and is loved.

This has stopped me dead in my tracks because all I can think about is her children. Will they now be without their mother? Will she be in a coma? Will they ever feel her arms around them again? Will they ever hear her tell them that nothing matters more in the world to her but them?

The world just kicks me in the gut day after day. Yes, there is much to be grateful for but at the same time, so much sadness happens everyday and I am so tired of it.

I do have faith and know that God has plans, but sometimes it is just so overwhelming.

I pray that she comes out of this and all will be okay.

To be or not to be....

Blessed?

This is a real bone of contention with me. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but here goes.

So, a baby gets sick and is fighting for his/her life when miraculously he/she survives. Someone will say "you have been blessed".

Does that mean the parent who lost their child is not blessed?

There has got to be a better way of conveying a message of gratitude other than making the ones that have lost, feel like they aren't blessed. I understand why people say it and I understand the intention.....I have even said it. But then it makes me stop and think?? Is God not blessing those that have lost a child? I don't believe that to be true. God has a plan for all us and we are all blessed regardless of what happens in our life.

Does this make any sense at all?

I'm soo confused!

What do y'all think?

A mixed bag

I feel a certain sense of duty to write something daily and I suppose that is the pressure I put on myself to keep up with the awesome ladies that blog everyday and make it look easy!

There are many, many nights when I wake up in the middle of the night and have some profound moment of clarity and could write an awesome blog. But then the morning comes and the words are all mixed up and I can't get them out the way I want them too.

Today is one of those days. In my head I have some pretty good posts I want to write, some pretty deep, others pretty light. But I can't seem to make the words cohesive.

So maybe tomorrow the words will come out a little easier I will actually have something interesting to write about ;)

Until then.......Hugs, Jenn

The sweetest surprise

A letter to my daughter.

My Sweet Caroline,

You were the sweetest surprise a mommy could ever hope for. I always told your daddy that two kids in our life were not enough and that I always felt like I was missing someone and I was right! I was missing you!

When I conceived you, daddy & I were in North Carolina scoping out the area because we had serious aspirations of moving us all out there. It was our 4th wedding anniversary and your Grammy and Grandpa were watching your brother and sister while we were deciding if N.C. was going to be the place for our family.

We were there for 4 days and we had a great time, just the two of us. During the trip, we fell more in love with N.C. than we thought we would and had decided to start making our plans to move out to the east coast.

We came home and were started to put our plans in motion and I remember feeling not very well at all. I was tired all the time, I was a tad nauseous and just didn't overall feel very well. I also remember having a very strong, strange food craving! I HAD to have a chicken salad sandwich with swiss cheese and avocado everyday and also had to have a ceaser salad every night! I never thought in a million years that I would be able to get pregnant the old fashioned way. Every Doctor I ever saw, said that I would have to use other means to get pregnant because I have PCOS and NK (natural killer) cells. So with your brother & sister we used IVF and thought we would have to do the same to get pregnant again.

So that is why I never thought for one second I was pregnant again. But guess what....I was! After complaining enough and worrying that I had some rare cancer...daddy said "are you sure you aren't pregnant?" Honestly, the thought never, ever crossed my mind b/c the Dr.'s had always said there would be no way for me to conceive without help. So I came home early one day and took the test and it came back positive right away!

I remember calling my Dr. the very next day to make an appointment to come in and see him and he said not to get too excited until we did an ultrasound and he could make sure, all was okay. So we scheduled the ultrasound for a few days later.

As I was laying on the table getting ready, my Dr. was still skeptical and warned to not get too excited until we actually saw something. He also didn't think I was very far along and said that we probably wouldn't see much.

Well given that I have had my fair share of ultrasounds due to having twins prior, as soon as he put the probe in....I saw you right away! He was even surprised at how big you were! We were much further along then we thought! He thought I might have only been about 4-5 weeks when in reality I was already 7 weeks pregnant! The emotion that came over me, I will never forget. I cried the happiest tears of joy ever! Not only were you there, you were thriving! There was the missing addition to our family!

I always tell your daddy that God trumped him. Don't get me wrong, your daddy wanted another baby, he just wasn't sure when and I was sure that I wanted another right away. So God granted me my wish and you were born on July 11th, 2008 weighing a hefty 8lbs 3oz. You were absolutely perfect and gorgeous.

You turned 16months old yesterday and have been the most wonderful baby a mommy could hope for.

Here is what you are doing and saying at 16 months:

You can say, Mama, Daddy, Bubba, Sissy, Dakota (dog), Kiki (cat), all done, me

You can sign, more, please, thank you, eat

Your nicknames are: Chunky, Monkey and Punky

You know when you want something and when you don't.

You are walking, running and climbing anything you can!

When I ask if you have a poopy, you shake your head yes and head to your room to be changed

You clean up after yourself. No joke! If you are playing with a toy and we are getting ready to go somewhere, you always put the toy back in the toy box before leaving. You even put your dirty clothes in the hamper! You are such a smart cookie!

Your laugh is contagious and robust.

Your eyes are the most beautiful blue...just like your daddy's.

Your personality is infectious and I can never get enough of you!

I love you my Sweet Caroline more than any written words and am so honored to be your mommy.

Happy Birthday Maddie!

Hi Maddie,

Some people might find it odd that I care soo deeply for you and your family. Some might even consider you and I strangers. But those are the people who do not know you like I have come to know you. There are so many things about you that have changed my life and considering that I never even got to hold your little hand and hug you, I find that amazing.

So I started thinking about that. Is Maddie a stranger to me? My answer was 'no'! If I was a stranger, I wouldn't know that you love the color purple, that you love to play music and that you love Abby Cadabby! In fact, I think I know more about you than I do about most of my friend's children. Which would explain my deep love for you and I find nothing foreign or strange about that!

Happy Birthday little Maddie Moo! You are missed immensely!

Hallelujah!!

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you that prayed for Stellan!

A miracle happened yesterday and I for one am in awe to have witnessed it via the internet.

That little boy went through the worst possible thing any mother could imagine...he flat lined. His poor mama could do nothing but hope & pray that the medical team could bring him back..and thankfully they did!

In the OR, they ran into obstacle after obstacle but did not give up and found away to go through his Aorta and were succesfully able to ablate!

It worked and that little boy is SVT free! Prayers were answered.

He is having some difficulty in recovery, but if anyone has the tenacity to recover it is Stellan!

You can go to MckMama's blog and read all about it! http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

For Stellan

I am dedicating my post today to sweet little Stellan.

I'm sure most of you know about McKmama's blog, but if you don't, here is her blog http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/11/shiny-gem.html

Her little man is undergoing surgery right now for a heart ablation and I am hoping by dedicating my post to him today that it will start a prayer chain....one of many that I am SURE have already been started.

Will you help me in a prayer chain for Stellan?

Not what I thought I would write about

When I started this blog, I thought I would write about my amazing kids & my awesome husband and about our day-to-day activities. I have 3 beautiful children who could fill up page after page of stories. They all are wonderful and magical, but my fingers don't seem to want to write about that and I feel guilty that my thoughts always turn back to other's.

I want to write about Maddie. I want to write about all the unfair crap that happens to great people everyday. I want to understand. I want to understand why tragedy has not hit my family?? Please don't get me wrong, I am not wishing this upon us. I just keep asking "WHY did it have to happen to them"?? In particular, why Maddie? That little girl has touched more lives than any other human I know. There was something deep in her eyes. I like to think she was an old soul and here to teach us all something.

I'm sure I am not alone in fearing the worst happening to our kids. I read about it everyday on the internet and am ALWAYS amazed at the strength, persistence and grace of the people that have dealt with tragedy. I often wonder what would happen if it was MY kid that something happened to. I truly don't think I would possess a quarter of the strength that I have seen in others.

I, unfortunately, came to Heather's blog after Maddie had passed and had to learn of her from the old posts. I was shocked about how devastated I was by her passing. Here was a girl I didn't even know, yet I mourned her deeply. For a good two months I was a wreck. I was in pieces and thought about her everyday, all day. I kept asking myself why I was so affected by her and wasn't it a little odd that I was THAT heartbroken over her? But then, after seeing the posts from others, I realized that I was not alone in loving this little girl. There is a common (purple) thread between us all, it is our love for the Famous Madeline.

After much thought about the 'why'....I think I figured it out. Heather's blog brings us all together and shows us the true human spirit and in a world where that is very hard to see. I know that I can go to her blog and see the true love of people. It reminds me of post-911. When everyone pulled together, regardless of religion, race, etc. We all put our hand out to help one another.

I just want to say thank you to all of Heather's readers for helping me see that the good in people still exists.

Potty Training for Dummies

I finally decided that I have had it up to my ears with diapers! So, I brought out the big girl & big boy underwear and we attacked potty training! Grace had started to get interested in it about 6 months ago, but then just decided that she did not want to use the potty. That was until Jake got interested in the potty and God forbid that Jake excels at something before Grace! So with that, I thought it would be a fantastic time to get this train a movin'!

Jake is great about telling us when he has to go potty...about 5% of the time. So, he put the undies on and away we went. Well, no kidding. Within 1 hour, he had blown through 11 pairs of underwear! In fact, we had to stop because I didn't have any undies left to put on him. Every time I would ask him if he had to go potty, which was about every 5 minutes, he would say yes. But only to find out that he had already gone in his undies.

And Grace, well she only had 2 accidents in that time frame. 2 times in fact, she just pulled down her panties and went potty! I was soo proud of her!

And Sweet Caroline, every time she saw one of them go on the potty, she would lift her shirt and point to the seat that she wanted her turn. So as soon as they got up, she sat down. I swear I will have her potty trained before them! No joke!

Jake & Grace are almost 3 1/2 and I would have sworn that they would have been potty trained already. I am way behind the curve on this one.

So I am the Dummy that needs help potty training my kids! What am I doing wrong?? Comments strongly appreciated!!

So today was the big day

The kids started at the in-home daycare today and I am thrilled on so many levels that I have moved them out of Pre-school. However, there was still that little twing of jealousy that was in me wanting it desperately to be me that was home snuggling with my babies. It truly was all I could do not to cry in front of our new daycare lady (Mrs. K) as I was leaving. Of course once I left and got in my car and put on my sunglasses (even though it was dark & rainy out), the tears came flooding out.

I am so glad that I moved them out before we got in full fledged flu season. Especially with Grace & Caroline having asthma, I just couldn't risk them getting the swine flu.

It's a change, but for the better!

And the one having the most trouble adjusting is me!!

The Worst 5 Days of My Life

Grace has been hospitalized twice in her 3 1/2 short years. Once for Periorbital Cellulitis and the 2nd time for RSV and Pneumonia. Both times were very scary just due to the mere fact that my daughter was being hospitalized.

But I have to say that her being hospitalized for the RSV and Pneumonia was truly terrifying. She had been sick for a few days and had been back and forth to the Dr. a couple of times with different antibiotics to try. During this time, they thought she just had bronchitis. Well after unsuccessfully trying to break her fever with the Motrin or Tylenol, we brought her back to the Dr. because she had taken a horrible turn for the worst. She was not doing well at all. Her fever had gotten as high as 103.5 and just would not break. They hooked her up to an O2 sensor and found that her oxygen level was way down. It was not getting above 85. They gave her 5 back-to-back treatment with a nebulizer, that did not work. The whole time we were doing the treatments, I was holding her and staring at the number, begging for it to go up. And instead of it going up, it was going down. Dr. A said that unfortunately she was going to have to be admitted...right now! Then....I started to freak out. I tried to keep my composure in front of her because I didn't want to scare her. But I was truly scared for her.

Here is a pic of her pre-hospitalization.

My poor sick girl :(

So we get to the hospital, get her all checked in and the first thing they tried to do was get an I.V. in her. My first thought was, Oh boy, here we go again. When she was hospitalized the first time, they absolutely could not get an I.V. in her. They had every specialist come down, they had a pediatric ICU nurse come down, and NO ONE could get a line in. So, of course, what happens this time....same damn thing! I was getting so freakin pissed. I know that everyone was trying to help her, but all I could do is sit there and watch my daughter being pricked over, and over, and over again. They tried 17 times! Again, never got an I.V. in her. They decided that since she was still filling up her diapers that she didn't need the I.V....yet. So, they finally let the poor thing alone. And bless her heart, every time they would try again she would say "NO..no thank you"! Over and over again. So they drew some blood, took some x-rays and we waited.

It was now after midnight and she is finally sleeping comfortably when all of a sudden, in walk the nurses with masks on, gloves on and scrubs on! The RSV test came back positive and she had RSV and pneumonia. NOW I FREAKED! All I could think about was the worst. I remember calling my husband, who was home with Jake & Caroline (who was only 6 months old at the time) crying uncontrollably. My thoughts immediately turned to Jake and Cara. Do they have it now too?? I know that RSV in babies can be SOOO serious and I was really worried for Cara, not to mention the worry for Gracie and Jake.

During those first two days, my daughter did not move, did not eat and barely spoke. All she did was sleep. They had her on a constant stream of oxygen, but even then, those damn alarms kept going off because she just could not maintain her own oxygen level to where it needed to be. They would come in every 4 hours and give her a breathing treatment and pound on her chest in hopes of breaking up the phlegm. Poor thing, every time someone walked in, they were dressed head-to-toe in gowns, gloves, masks and it scared the hell out of her.

After the 3rd day, she finally got up, ate a little bit and wanted to watch The Little Mermaid. They were even starting to wean her off the oxygen and things were looking good! Whew. I thought, this is it, she is turning the corner. I even said to myself, "I bet we will get to go home tomorrow!" She even felt well enough to get up and play on mama's computer.

Then the night hit and things took a turn for the worse. Her sats dropped way down even on the constant O2. All these damn alarms kept going off and they could not figure out why she took a turn for the worse. They kept upping her oxygen and even with her on 100% oxygen, she was not getting above 82. Sooo freakin scary! So we spent all of the next day working on her breathing treatments and getting her to sit up and try and move around.

Unfortunately the 4th day in the hospital was daddy's birthday :( I was so hoping to have her out in time for all of us to celebrate together. But it wasn't to be. So, my sis-in-law came and sat with Grace while my hubby and I ran out for a quick bite to eat. We came back with balloons and cake so that the 3 of us could celebrate together.

We won't talk about the fact that I almost blew us all up! You see I had gotten a very yummy cake and thought it would be great to for Grace to help daddy blow out the candles on his cake. So here I am, getting the cake out of the box, putting the candles on the cake and I hear....."YOU CAN'T LIGHT THOSE", screams my husband. Why not I ask?? He explains to me that she is on constant oxygen, you will blow us all up! Holy Sugar! What the (blank) was I thinking??!! Now to give me some credit, I also did get the RSV and was completely sleep deprived, so I like to think that had this been a different situation, I would know better not to light candles near someone on oxygen!

Here is a pic of James pretending to blow out the candles on his cake!

So finally on the 5th day, she got up and moved around and ate. Her sats were still low. In fact, the nurses did not think that Dr. A would let her go home. But the Dr. came in and checked her over and said that because she was up, eating, playing, had color in her cheeks, that she felt comfortable sending us home with a nebulizer to give her treatments every 4 hours.

Caroline ended up getting the RSV too but did not have to be hospitalized because she was able to keep her oxygen levels up. I think because I was still breastfeeding her, it definitely helped her out. And Jake was fine. Never got anything!

Now that Grace & Caroline both had RSV, they both now have asthma. So anytime either one of them gets a cold, it's time to break out the nebulizer. Grace even knows how to give herself breathing treatments now.

So, that is my story of the worst 5 days of my life. Never have I been so scared about something happening to my children.

I was meant to do something else

I am almost 40 and have just finally figured out what I am suppose to be doing with my life..kind of.

Ever since I have found Heather's blog, I have been touched/affected/heartbroken by the true real world we live in. Everytime I read her blog, which is daily, or another mommy's blog who has lost a child, I get mad. I get mad that I can't do a damn thing to change their outcome. I get mad that I don't know them personally and therefore, cannot give them a big hug and drop off lasagna. I get mad that I feel like I am not contributing to the big picture out there. The things I worry about are stupid. The things that these women deal with on a daily basis are real and devastating. In in my world, I am worried about what laundry detergent will smell better or how I have to get my boss from point A to point B.

Like any of this really helps anyone that it should. I guess what I am saying is that I feel like my energy is wasted doing crap that doesn't help people in true need.

I want nothing more than to help babies. Sick babies. Babies that can't fight for themselves. I truly feel like I was put on this earth to help kids. They own my heart. And when I see a child with a disability, I don't look at them weird or shun them. Just the opposite in fact. I want to wrap my arms around them and talk to them and let them know they are loved.

I was at the pumpkin patch with the hubby and kids this weekend and there was a little girl there who was 2 1/2 that had Downs Syndrome. She was cute as a button. In fact, she looked a lot like my Caroline ;) It was obvious that her mother treated her no different and that she was well loved. I was so drawn to her. I just wanted to talk to her and put a big smile on her face.

Now, what do I do with this? Quit my job and go back to school? I can't. Too many bills. I am at such a crossroads in my life. I would hate to be 80 and be looking back with regret in my life. If anyone has any suggestions, I am all ears.

Oh probably none of this makes sense and I am rambling again. God how I wish I had the talent to write like Mrs. Spohr ;)

Changes are coming

After much thought we have decided to take our kids out of preschool and put them in a in-home daycare. There were many factors in deciding this and not one of them had to do with the awesome care they were receiving at their preschool! I love that school and the teachers! It was a very hard decision to make.

But here's why we made it:

1. the kids were constantly getting sick. It was getting to the point where we could not go one week without someone being sick. And when there are 3 of them, it is the domino effect!

2. my son has a learning disability and goes to a special needs school for 4 hours in the morning. The bus picks him up at our house and then when school is done, returns him home. This was a BIG problem. Either me or my husband would have to leave work in the middle of the day and run home to pick him up and take him to preschool and then run back to work. Unfortunately the preschool they go to is outside of the school district and the bus would not take him there. This became very hard on James & I to do everyday. So in walks an angel....a teacher from the preschool, Mrs. M., offered to pick him up 3 days a week. What a blessing she was to do this. However, it became clear to James & I, that we could not allow someone else to do this. I am soo very thankful that people like Mrs. M exist. She is an angel walking amongst us.

3. when the twins were born they had a nanny until they were 2, and then they went into preschool. With Caroline, she went into preschool at 4 1/2 months and that is something I have always struggled with but could not change. Until now :) I am so excited for her to be in the in-home daycare so that she can get more 1x1 time.

So, by divine intervention, we found Mrs. K! She has 2 children of her own. A boy who is 3 and a little girl who is 7 mos. She is only taking in our 3 and no more. I think this will work out soo perfectly for all of us.

They start next Monday, so wish us luck!

Been Stuck

I can't believe that I haven't written in almost a month. So much has been going on and with that being said, you would think that I would turn to the blog as an outlet. But honestly, somedays I am just exhausted and as soon as the kids go to bed, I am not far behind.

I have started lots of posts but they are still in draft form. I really need to get motivated and back in gear. I promise..I guess to myself since I am unsure if anyone actually reads this, that I will have a new post by end of week.

Does this one count? ;)

Life's not fair

When I was a little girl, I would say to my mom, after she had disciplined me or said no to one of my many 'must-haves'...."But Mom, that's not fair"! And she would always return with the same response, "Life isn't fair". I remember looking at her with this look of disdain and disappointment because that was always the reason. And of course, at 13 that reason sucks.

Now more than ever, I truly understand that statement.

For most of my life I have lived in a bubble. I have never had to deal with trauma; never had to experience someone close to me dying; never been the victim of child abuse, etc. I have lived a very sheltered life. And now, as an adult I realize that terrible things happen to so many innocent people out there and it breaks my heart. I feel so damned helpless because not one thing I will do, will ever change the terrible thing that has happened to these people.

I read Heather's blog everyday, and everyday I think...this really couldn't have happened. Maddie really can't be gone. And then reality hits me that she is.

Her blog has made reality slap me in the face. And I don't say that with a negative connotation. I am so thankful that I found her blog and for the feelings that are invoked in me. I now take the time to really look at my children and immerse myself in them in a way that I hadn't before.

For a brief second, I will look at one of my children and think "what-if"? The thought is so horrific that I immediately have to stop. And then of course I think about Heather. She has to live this reality everyday. In my eyes, she is the strongest person I know. I don't know how parents cope after this, but she does and she is amazing.

I would do anything to bring back her daughter. But here I am, helpless because nothing will change what has happened.


So, as always, Mom is right. Life is not fair.

This blogging business is hard!!

Hats off to all who do this regularly! It is a lot harder than it looks!

I thought it would be fun to start a 'little blog' and jot down thoughts and the funny things that happen in my household. Ha...was I so wrong. It is very time consuming to create a post. I am such a perfectionist and am constantly going back in to all my posts and tweaking it here and there! No wonder I can never get more than one or two done a week.

Seriously, all you pros out there you make it all look so easy!

You all inspired me to start this blog and for that I am thankful. My memory is so bad and I will be soo happy when I can look back on this blog and read all the things that I have forgotten ;)

Giving the Bird

Everytime Grace points at something she uses her middle finger. I have no idea why, but trust me I have tried to correct her a thousand times and she always reverts back to the middle finger. And when she does point with her middle finger, she uses it 'stiletto style'. The girl cracks me up!

This is so indicitive of her personality! She is going to be someone who is not going to take a lot of crap from anyone.

At times, ok most times, she is hard to parent. But a part of me loves her independence and stubborness. I know that it will play an important part of her life...in a good way :) She will never be taken advantage of, that is for sure.

For instance, if I tell her not to do something, she will try to negotiate and make me understand why she must be doing what I have asked her not to do. I am constantly debating with a 3 year old!

Below are some pics I took of Grace showing me the shapes she made with her playdough. Yikes! I hope this doesn't get her kicked out of Kindergarten!

Well it's official.....I'm old

At 39 I have found my first gray hair!! I guess I should consider myself lucky for making it this long without having to dye my hair....but it really makes the big 40 a reality!

And for some unknown reason, I refuse to pull it out. I kind of like that it is hidden and tucked away most of the time. Like my little secret ;)

I have attached a photo of it and as you can see it is a wild hair! It sticks right up and is goes every which direction!

Oh well. Cest le vie!

Where's my cape?

This working full-time and then rushing home to be a decent parent sucks! Don't get me wrong, I have a great job, one that I love, but it is a VERY busy job and being a mama is a VERY busy job! I don't know how to do it all and not feel guilty about something slipping between the cracks.

I have yet to put together Grace & Jake's baby books and they are 3years old!! WTF! And I haven't even started on Caroline's either! There truly is just not enough time in the day.

How do y'all out there get it all done?? My house is constantly a mess. There is always laundry to do and don't even get me started on cooking meals! I am running out of ideas of what to feed them (refer to my last post). And lately it has been easier to buy new clothes vs. washing the dirty ones! I can't believe I just admitted that!

So, Superwoman I am not and it is no wonder the cape is nowhere to be found!

Popcorn and Chocolate Chip Cookies....

Well I definitely won't be winning any 'mother of the year' awards with this one!!

Late yesterday around 4pm, Grace & I went to Target and of course the minute she knew we were going there, she immediately started asking for popcorn! So, as soon as we got in the store, we bee-lined it to the popcorn. She & I noshed on it while we shopped :)

Miraculously, we did not finish it all so I brought the remainder home for Jake. By this time it is now just about dinner time and throwing all sense of responsible parenting out the window, gave Jakey the rest to eat. By now, Jake & Grace have decided they want to play outside and of course are not hungry for a real dinner. So the next example of fine parenting I display is by giving them each a chocolate chip cookie for dessert ;) The only one in the house that got a decent meal was Caroline and that's only because she is too young for popcorn!

Honestly I don't normally feed my children this way, I typically cook every night of the week and last night I was tired and couldn't think of making another meal.

Let's just hope they remember this as one of those 'fun' times when Mama didn't make us eat the good stuff!


Not one of my finer parenting moments ;)

A BIG Shout Out!!

Yeah!! My blog design is done and I love it!

The Cutest Blog on the Block designed the whole thing and in a matter of days. And let me tell you, I have as much creativity as a gnat, so they really earned their money with me ;)

Now if only I knew what the hell to write about! ;)

In My Life...

I love my husband more.

In My Life, The Beatles

There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I can still recall
Some are dead and some are living
In My Life, I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one that compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In My Life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In My Life I love you more
In My Life I love you more

Who am I?

39 has become a BIG 'who-am-I' kind of year. Maybe it is the big 40 looming that is scaring the hell out of me, but all of a sudden things in my life are taking a new perspective.

A few months back, I was watching an episode of Oprah and saw an piece about Matt Logelin and how he lost his wife right after she gave birth to their beautiful baby girl, Madeline. On his blog he spoke of a woman named Heather Spohr who had just lost her precious baby girl. Ever since that day, her blog is the first thing I read when I open my eyes. There is something about her that has stirred something in me. I have never met her, yet I feel as though I am one of her closest friends. Her writing makes you feel like you are in her inner circle. I have cried millions of tears with her and for her. I laughed at the stories she shares about Maddie. She has forever changed my life. In some ways I know, and in others I feel like it has yet to be revealed.

So, how does this parlay in to my life? Wish I knew. What I do know is that I was meant to find her blog and it was meant to stir me. My soul is forever drawn to her and my heart will forever mourn her baby girl.

I know this probably sounds like a very disjointed conversation, and it is, but I guess this is what this blog will be all about. Random thoughts spilling on the computer.

SnoreFest '09

So yes, there was quite a big gap from my last post....but I am back.

When I told James that I was going to start a blog he said, "what are you going to write about??...it would be a snorefest!". Now, if you know my husband, you would know that he did not mean this as cruel as it sounds. What he meant is, who would want to read about our day-to-day life? Good question.

He & I have always joked that we have become 'one of those people'. That being the kind of people when out with friends, associates, etc., all we have to talk about is our kids. We have 3 kids under 3 and they happily occupy all of our time and thoughts, and that's just the way we like it!

So who knows who will want to read a blog about a stressed working mother who is just trying to keep it all together.

Let the fun begin!