Not what I thought I would write about

When I started this blog, I thought I would write about my amazing kids & my awesome husband and about our day-to-day activities. I have 3 beautiful children who could fill up page after page of stories. They all are wonderful and magical, but my fingers don't seem to want to write about that and I feel guilty that my thoughts always turn back to other's.

I want to write about Maddie. I want to write about all the unfair crap that happens to great people everyday. I want to understand. I want to understand why tragedy has not hit my family?? Please don't get me wrong, I am not wishing this upon us. I just keep asking "WHY did it have to happen to them"?? In particular, why Maddie? That little girl has touched more lives than any other human I know. There was something deep in her eyes. I like to think she was an old soul and here to teach us all something.

I'm sure I am not alone in fearing the worst happening to our kids. I read about it everyday on the internet and am ALWAYS amazed at the strength, persistence and grace of the people that have dealt with tragedy. I often wonder what would happen if it was MY kid that something happened to. I truly don't think I would possess a quarter of the strength that I have seen in others.

I, unfortunately, came to Heather's blog after Maddie had passed and had to learn of her from the old posts. I was shocked about how devastated I was by her passing. Here was a girl I didn't even know, yet I mourned her deeply. For a good two months I was a wreck. I was in pieces and thought about her everyday, all day. I kept asking myself why I was so affected by her and wasn't it a little odd that I was THAT heartbroken over her? But then, after seeing the posts from others, I realized that I was not alone in loving this little girl. There is a common (purple) thread between us all, it is our love for the Famous Madeline.

After much thought about the 'why'....I think I figured it out. Heather's blog brings us all together and shows us the true human spirit and in a world where that is very hard to see. I know that I can go to her blog and see the true love of people. It reminds me of post-911. When everyone pulled together, regardless of religion, race, etc. We all put our hand out to help one another.

I just want to say thank you to all of Heather's readers for helping me see that the good in people still exists.

Potty Training for Dummies

I finally decided that I have had it up to my ears with diapers! So, I brought out the big girl & big boy underwear and we attacked potty training! Grace had started to get interested in it about 6 months ago, but then just decided that she did not want to use the potty. That was until Jake got interested in the potty and God forbid that Jake excels at something before Grace! So with that, I thought it would be a fantastic time to get this train a movin'!

Jake is great about telling us when he has to go potty...about 5% of the time. So, he put the undies on and away we went. Well, no kidding. Within 1 hour, he had blown through 11 pairs of underwear! In fact, we had to stop because I didn't have any undies left to put on him. Every time I would ask him if he had to go potty, which was about every 5 minutes, he would say yes. But only to find out that he had already gone in his undies.

And Grace, well she only had 2 accidents in that time frame. 2 times in fact, she just pulled down her panties and went potty! I was soo proud of her!

And Sweet Caroline, every time she saw one of them go on the potty, she would lift her shirt and point to the seat that she wanted her turn. So as soon as they got up, she sat down. I swear I will have her potty trained before them! No joke!

Jake & Grace are almost 3 1/2 and I would have sworn that they would have been potty trained already. I am way behind the curve on this one.

So I am the Dummy that needs help potty training my kids! What am I doing wrong?? Comments strongly appreciated!!

So today was the big day

The kids started at the in-home daycare today and I am thrilled on so many levels that I have moved them out of Pre-school. However, there was still that little twing of jealousy that was in me wanting it desperately to be me that was home snuggling with my babies. It truly was all I could do not to cry in front of our new daycare lady (Mrs. K) as I was leaving. Of course once I left and got in my car and put on my sunglasses (even though it was dark & rainy out), the tears came flooding out.

I am so glad that I moved them out before we got in full fledged flu season. Especially with Grace & Caroline having asthma, I just couldn't risk them getting the swine flu.

It's a change, but for the better!

And the one having the most trouble adjusting is me!!

The Worst 5 Days of My Life

Grace has been hospitalized twice in her 3 1/2 short years. Once for Periorbital Cellulitis and the 2nd time for RSV and Pneumonia. Both times were very scary just due to the mere fact that my daughter was being hospitalized.

But I have to say that her being hospitalized for the RSV and Pneumonia was truly terrifying. She had been sick for a few days and had been back and forth to the Dr. a couple of times with different antibiotics to try. During this time, they thought she just had bronchitis. Well after unsuccessfully trying to break her fever with the Motrin or Tylenol, we brought her back to the Dr. because she had taken a horrible turn for the worst. She was not doing well at all. Her fever had gotten as high as 103.5 and just would not break. They hooked her up to an O2 sensor and found that her oxygen level was way down. It was not getting above 85. They gave her 5 back-to-back treatment with a nebulizer, that did not work. The whole time we were doing the treatments, I was holding her and staring at the number, begging for it to go up. And instead of it going up, it was going down. Dr. A said that unfortunately she was going to have to be admitted...right now! Then....I started to freak out. I tried to keep my composure in front of her because I didn't want to scare her. But I was truly scared for her.

Here is a pic of her pre-hospitalization.

My poor sick girl :(

So we get to the hospital, get her all checked in and the first thing they tried to do was get an I.V. in her. My first thought was, Oh boy, here we go again. When she was hospitalized the first time, they absolutely could not get an I.V. in her. They had every specialist come down, they had a pediatric ICU nurse come down, and NO ONE could get a line in. So, of course, what happens this time....same damn thing! I was getting so freakin pissed. I know that everyone was trying to help her, but all I could do is sit there and watch my daughter being pricked over, and over, and over again. They tried 17 times! Again, never got an I.V. in her. They decided that since she was still filling up her diapers that she didn't need the I.V....yet. So, they finally let the poor thing alone. And bless her heart, every time they would try again she would say "NO..no thank you"! Over and over again. So they drew some blood, took some x-rays and we waited.

It was now after midnight and she is finally sleeping comfortably when all of a sudden, in walk the nurses with masks on, gloves on and scrubs on! The RSV test came back positive and she had RSV and pneumonia. NOW I FREAKED! All I could think about was the worst. I remember calling my husband, who was home with Jake & Caroline (who was only 6 months old at the time) crying uncontrollably. My thoughts immediately turned to Jake and Cara. Do they have it now too?? I know that RSV in babies can be SOOO serious and I was really worried for Cara, not to mention the worry for Gracie and Jake.

During those first two days, my daughter did not move, did not eat and barely spoke. All she did was sleep. They had her on a constant stream of oxygen, but even then, those damn alarms kept going off because she just could not maintain her own oxygen level to where it needed to be. They would come in every 4 hours and give her a breathing treatment and pound on her chest in hopes of breaking up the phlegm. Poor thing, every time someone walked in, they were dressed head-to-toe in gowns, gloves, masks and it scared the hell out of her.

After the 3rd day, she finally got up, ate a little bit and wanted to watch The Little Mermaid. They were even starting to wean her off the oxygen and things were looking good! Whew. I thought, this is it, she is turning the corner. I even said to myself, "I bet we will get to go home tomorrow!" She even felt well enough to get up and play on mama's computer.

Then the night hit and things took a turn for the worse. Her sats dropped way down even on the constant O2. All these damn alarms kept going off and they could not figure out why she took a turn for the worse. They kept upping her oxygen and even with her on 100% oxygen, she was not getting above 82. Sooo freakin scary! So we spent all of the next day working on her breathing treatments and getting her to sit up and try and move around.

Unfortunately the 4th day in the hospital was daddy's birthday :( I was so hoping to have her out in time for all of us to celebrate together. But it wasn't to be. So, my sis-in-law came and sat with Grace while my hubby and I ran out for a quick bite to eat. We came back with balloons and cake so that the 3 of us could celebrate together.

We won't talk about the fact that I almost blew us all up! You see I had gotten a very yummy cake and thought it would be great to for Grace to help daddy blow out the candles on his cake. So here I am, getting the cake out of the box, putting the candles on the cake and I hear....."YOU CAN'T LIGHT THOSE", screams my husband. Why not I ask?? He explains to me that she is on constant oxygen, you will blow us all up! Holy Sugar! What the (blank) was I thinking??!! Now to give me some credit, I also did get the RSV and was completely sleep deprived, so I like to think that had this been a different situation, I would know better not to light candles near someone on oxygen!

Here is a pic of James pretending to blow out the candles on his cake!

So finally on the 5th day, she got up and moved around and ate. Her sats were still low. In fact, the nurses did not think that Dr. A would let her go home. But the Dr. came in and checked her over and said that because she was up, eating, playing, had color in her cheeks, that she felt comfortable sending us home with a nebulizer to give her treatments every 4 hours.

Caroline ended up getting the RSV too but did not have to be hospitalized because she was able to keep her oxygen levels up. I think because I was still breastfeeding her, it definitely helped her out. And Jake was fine. Never got anything!

Now that Grace & Caroline both had RSV, they both now have asthma. So anytime either one of them gets a cold, it's time to break out the nebulizer. Grace even knows how to give herself breathing treatments now.

So, that is my story of the worst 5 days of my life. Never have I been so scared about something happening to my children.

I was meant to do something else

I am almost 40 and have just finally figured out what I am suppose to be doing with my life..kind of.

Ever since I have found Heather's blog, I have been touched/affected/heartbroken by the true real world we live in. Everytime I read her blog, which is daily, or another mommy's blog who has lost a child, I get mad. I get mad that I can't do a damn thing to change their outcome. I get mad that I don't know them personally and therefore, cannot give them a big hug and drop off lasagna. I get mad that I feel like I am not contributing to the big picture out there. The things I worry about are stupid. The things that these women deal with on a daily basis are real and devastating. In in my world, I am worried about what laundry detergent will smell better or how I have to get my boss from point A to point B.

Like any of this really helps anyone that it should. I guess what I am saying is that I feel like my energy is wasted doing crap that doesn't help people in true need.

I want nothing more than to help babies. Sick babies. Babies that can't fight for themselves. I truly feel like I was put on this earth to help kids. They own my heart. And when I see a child with a disability, I don't look at them weird or shun them. Just the opposite in fact. I want to wrap my arms around them and talk to them and let them know they are loved.

I was at the pumpkin patch with the hubby and kids this weekend and there was a little girl there who was 2 1/2 that had Downs Syndrome. She was cute as a button. In fact, she looked a lot like my Caroline ;) It was obvious that her mother treated her no different and that she was well loved. I was so drawn to her. I just wanted to talk to her and put a big smile on her face.

Now, what do I do with this? Quit my job and go back to school? I can't. Too many bills. I am at such a crossroads in my life. I would hate to be 80 and be looking back with regret in my life. If anyone has any suggestions, I am all ears.

Oh probably none of this makes sense and I am rambling again. God how I wish I had the talent to write like Mrs. Spohr ;)

Changes are coming

After much thought we have decided to take our kids out of preschool and put them in a in-home daycare. There were many factors in deciding this and not one of them had to do with the awesome care they were receiving at their preschool! I love that school and the teachers! It was a very hard decision to make.

But here's why we made it:

1. the kids were constantly getting sick. It was getting to the point where we could not go one week without someone being sick. And when there are 3 of them, it is the domino effect!

2. my son has a learning disability and goes to a special needs school for 4 hours in the morning. The bus picks him up at our house and then when school is done, returns him home. This was a BIG problem. Either me or my husband would have to leave work in the middle of the day and run home to pick him up and take him to preschool and then run back to work. Unfortunately the preschool they go to is outside of the school district and the bus would not take him there. This became very hard on James & I to do everyday. So in walks an angel....a teacher from the preschool, Mrs. M., offered to pick him up 3 days a week. What a blessing she was to do this. However, it became clear to James & I, that we could not allow someone else to do this. I am soo very thankful that people like Mrs. M exist. She is an angel walking amongst us.

3. when the twins were born they had a nanny until they were 2, and then they went into preschool. With Caroline, she went into preschool at 4 1/2 months and that is something I have always struggled with but could not change. Until now :) I am so excited for her to be in the in-home daycare so that she can get more 1x1 time.

So, by divine intervention, we found Mrs. K! She has 2 children of her own. A boy who is 3 and a little girl who is 7 mos. She is only taking in our 3 and no more. I think this will work out soo perfectly for all of us.

They start next Monday, so wish us luck!

Been Stuck

I can't believe that I haven't written in almost a month. So much has been going on and with that being said, you would think that I would turn to the blog as an outlet. But honestly, somedays I am just exhausted and as soon as the kids go to bed, I am not far behind.

I have started lots of posts but they are still in draft form. I really need to get motivated and back in gear. I promise..I guess to myself since I am unsure if anyone actually reads this, that I will have a new post by end of week.

Does this one count? ;)