My Crazy Sweet Life...

Common Sense

2012-01-20T14:57:00.000-08:00

I know that I will probably be creating a s!$t storm with this post, but it is what I feel and believe, so it shall be ;)

Today, January 20, 2012 a mother and a father have asked that today be a day that we all remember children that have been injured or died from a vaccination(s). Their daughter, Stacy, who was born premature, passed away at 8 weeks old after getting 9 vaccinations in one day! 9 people!! These are little tiny babies, with little tiny immune systems and they should NOT be given this many in one day! It is insane!

Don't get me wrong, I agree with some (not all) vaccines, but I adamantly do not believe that they should be given this many in one day.

Ask yourself this. Have you ever stopped to research what is in these vaccines? It is horrifying! Once you know what is in them you become very choosy on which ones your kids will get.

Here are few ingredients of a some of the vaccines:

Polio: Baby cow blood serum, glutamate (msg), formaldehyde, monkey kidney cells (yes, you read that right. FREAKING MONKEY KIDNEY CELLS!!!)
Rotavirus: Monkey kidney cells, and traces of fetal cow blood.

And no, I am not one of 'those people' that believe that thimersol has had anything to do with any kind of delay Jake has had. However, I do believe that had I let my Pediatrician give him the MMR when she recommended it, that I would have a vastly different child on my hand and NOT in a good way. I, whole-heartedly, believe in every fiber of my being that I did the right thing in delaying the MMR shot. I do believe that not all kids can handle all the vaccines the same. Each person's chemistry is different and each person's body reacts differently. Facts have proven that.

I do believe that some vaccines are not worth the risk. Take for instance the Hep B vaccine. This disease is most prevalent in Third World Countries where sanitation is poor and or through nonexistent sewer plants. The disease is also passed through IV drug needles. This vaccine is recommended at birth, for reasons I completely do not understand. I knew that when Caroline was born, she would not be getting that vaccine because a) she wasn't going to be exposed to an IV drug needles and b) she wouldn't be traveling abroad. I also don't believe in getting them vaccinated against the flu. And really, how do you really do that when they are about 10,000 different strains out there and when a vaccine is given it is typically given for one flu strand.

So, today please take a moment to think about all those babies that have been adversely affected by vaccines.

Here is to the link about baby Stacy: http://www.thehealthyhomeeconomist.com/preemie-dies-after-9-vax-in-one-day/

These are just a few examples and all ingredients can be found in each vaccine's product insert that you can request from your Pediatrician. The info that I am quoting is from the book "The Vaccine Book" by Dr. Robert Sears.

A Letter of Thanks

2011-11-26T15:54:00.001-08:00

Recently I wrote a letter to Jake’s Pre-K Teacher, Ms. Celeste. Mind you, I was terribly tardy in sending it as Jake started Kindergarten in the fall and graduated Pre-K in June. Typically when the school year ends, it is nice to bring in a thank you for the Teacher that has done so much for your child. I, however, was remise in doing this. Bad mommy!!
I do have a good reason for this, but really (as a friend recently told me), a simple deed is better than no deed at all.
Obviously, I knew Jake would be leaving this Teacher and had plenty of time to reflect and pick a perfect gift for her. But, I just couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye to her. I actually think I was more attached to her than Jake was, and he really was!
She did so much for him in the two years he was with her. He made strides that blew our expectations and hers. How do you thank someone who gave your son his voice? I kept going back and forth on what I would give her, and no gift seemed perfect. A Starbuck’s gift card? Not good enough. A gift card for the movies? Not good enough. Nothing seemed worthy. I stumbled over this and failed and delivered nothing at all.
I kept thinking, I will write her a letter today. That day came and went. The words never came to me. I was tongue tied and didn’t know what to say, only because I had so much to say. Does that make sense? I wanted her to feel my gratitude. My forever feeling of thankfulness for all that she did. Every time I went to write, my mind froze. Then, a few days before Thanksgiving, she was on my mind again and the words seemed to flow. I only hope my words were not too late.
My letter to his Teacher:
Dear Celeste,
I'm sure at this point, you probably have thought that we all fell off the face of the earth! Well, we haven't!
I've just been tongue tied and have unfortunately fallen into the category of "the road to hell is paved with good intentions".
I have thought about you almost daily since Jake left to start Kinder and when it was time for his graduation to Kinder and him leaving you, it became very difficult for me. You (and your staff) gave so much to Jake and invested so much in his success and it is because of you all that he is where he is today. From where we started when he was 11months old to now, is incredible. The strides and achievements he has made have been nothing short of a miracle and much of that success is because of you!!
I am forever grateful that you came into our lives and helped my son so much and there is no gift that would ever compare to the gratitude I owe you. Please know that our silence was nothing more than denial and sadness on my part. I was so proud that he was able to move on to Kinder, but was sad that it also meant he was moving on from you :(
So, during this time of Thanks, I give thanks to you for being so instrumental in my son's life! Best to you and your family during the holiday season!
All my best,
Jenn

A Feel Good Post

2011-08-15T13:57:00.000-07:00

So many feelings, so few words.

My heart is swollen right now for the love of my family.

I sit in awe of the perfectness of my children.

My ears smile with the sound of their laughter.

My heart is forever entwined with them.

The love I feel for my husband is without measure.

I am forever grateful to God for all that is in my life.

Caroline is 3 yrs old today!

2011-07-11T15:36:00.000-07:00

Today is Sweet Caroline's Birthday! She is now 3 yrs old. I say it all the time because everytime I look at her, I am amazed at how fast the time really does go.

I remember the day we met like it was yesterday. The immense joy and love I felt for her was immediate and the depth of those feelings can never be fully explained for they are too great for words.

From the first day, there has been a very strong connection between she & I. In fact, a connection so strong that I wondered why? And then, one day I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine and while I was pondering this out loud to her, she had a thought about it that made sense to me. She said, "She was the one the made you feel whole. That you weren't broken and that you could conceive a child naturally". I think she is right.

Happy Birthday, my Sweet Baby Girl!

Mama loves you to the moon & back!!

R.I.P Binky

2011-06-28T08:18:00.000-07:00

We have finally gotten Caroline to give up her Binky!! It actually wasn't a struggle at all for her to stop, but it just seems like we should have gotten her to stop earlier. But whatever. She has been Binky-free now for two solid weeks and she has done awesome! And for a girl with the strongest sucking reflex EVER, to just give it up cold turkey, is nothing short of a miracle!! Way to go my Sweet Caroline!!

Year 0 - first Binky in the hospital

Year 1 - still using the Binky

Year 2 - STILL using the Binky

In September 2010 when she started pre-school, we stopped the Binkies at nap time. She was only using them at night.

June 2011 she is Binky free!! Yippee!!

Year 3- her birthday is July 11th and there will no longer be any Binkies!!

Religious Confusion

2011-06-27T13:11:00.000-07:00

I was raised in a Christian household. Not overly in-your-face, but I knew it was there. We never prayed, except on major holidays before chowing down. We never went to Church. My Mom's feeling was that we didn't need to go to a building to talk to God. That we could talk to him whenever and wherever, not just on Sunday or in a Church. It made sense to me. Still does.

Something in me decided that around the age of 9 or so, that I was going to be a Catholic. I still to this day, do not know why I chose that path. But I was determined to get baptized and made my Mom take me to Bible Study once a week so that I could learn all about the Catholic religion. And she obliged ;) I was baptized and from that moment on, I became a Catholic.

When I met James, I knew he was Christian but didn't think much of the difference at the time. In fact, we attend a Christian church. And it is fine, but it feels informal to me and I struggle with feeling the authority or history of God. There is something to be said for attending mass and feeling that overwhelming spirit when you walk in. I love the pomp & circumstance of the Catholic church and long for it. I also struggle with wondering if my kid's will get to know both religions and still want to have them baptized.

Now as I get older, and I understand all the nuts & bolts about what each religion believes, I feel like I am even more confused now.

1 - Here's what I mean. I ABSOLUTELY do not believe in abortion. I believe that life starts at conception, and that no human should have the right to end that life due to an inconvenience. If you are old enough to have sex, than you are old enough to deal with all issues that come with that responsibility. It is even hard for me to agree with an abortion when a women has been raped. I know, I know. Put myself in that situation and would I feel differently? I really don't know, but can't know because I haven't been there. I think people really like to use the "women's right" thing as a get-out-jail free card. I think that law that just passed in Oklahoma, where a woman must undergo an ultrasound and hear a description of the fetus before getting an abortion, is absolutely the right thing. People need to understand, that this is a living breathing child. This is where I agree with the Catholic church.

2- I don't care if a gay or lesbian want to marry each other. I am for gay marriage. I believe that if you are in a loving relationship then there should be no reason why you cannot commit yourselves to each other. Seriously, what harm would happen if this were to be made legal? I also don't agree in promoting hate and it seems that is what happens with this subject. It feels more like bigotry to me, than people preaching what God wants us to do. I don't believe God would want us hating people. Just my feelings on it. This is where me and the Catholic church do not agree or the Christian church for that matter. Seriously, can't we all just get along and love each other?? If no one is hurting anyone, than who cares!

Those are just two examples of where my confusion lies. There are more where that came from, but those are the hottest issues. For me anyway.

So, where does this put me religiously? I have no idea!! How about you? Are your thoughts in line with your religious beliefs?

This, This & That

2011-06-07T09:27:00.000-07:00

When you are thinking about a mate, most of us have a list of 'this, this & that', that we hope they have.

Well, when I married James, I got this, this & that AND a whole lot more!!

I got a man who has a heart of gold and loves with his whole heart. Me and the kids hit the jackpot!

Back in March, my company sponsored a St. Baldrick's event. If you do not know who they are, please take a moment to check out the link at the bottom of my page as it will give you all the details. I was not aware of St. Baldrick's until my company hosted the event two years ago. At that time, I knew of a little girl that was fighting a vicious battle against Neuroblastoma. Her name is Layla Grace. I watched in despair as her parents did all they could do save their little girl. Unfortunately, she succumb to cancer on March 9, 2010 at the tender age of 27months. To say that I was completely consumed with her and her fight, would be an understatement. I was mad, devastated and guilty. Mad that this was happening to this little girl. Mad that her parents had to watch their baby suffer and ultimately, pass away in their arms. Devastated that I grew to love a child I never knew and had to mourn her loss. Guilty that at times my kids were so misbehaved that I wished for two minutes of peace, knowing that Ryan & Shanna would give anything for those two minutes back with Layla.

As you can imagine, James would watch me suffering and at first, thought that it was not a good idea to get so wrapped around a child that I didn't even know. Which, I totally understand. He would see me cry and cry and cry. And as a spouse, the last thing you want to see is your partner crying and knowing you can't do anything to help. And then, his light bulb came on!

As I told him of my desire to do whatever I could to help these babies, he joined the fight!!! He helped me think of ideas regarding my non-profit. He helped me by talking about the babies that I would tell him about. He didn't have to do any of this. He could have turned his cheek and let me go down this road he knew I needed to travel down. But no. He joined me!

So, when St. Baldrick's came around again this year, I decided I was going to get even more involved and became one of the organizers of our event. I met weekly with other colleagues and we brain stormed on how we would raise more money than last year and how we would blow the roof of this years event! And we did! Combined with our other locations around the world, we raised over $970K for St. Baldrick's! Quite an accomplishment! But...that's not all!

My husband decided that he and Jake would join the fight and raise funds to shave their heads in solidarity for all the kids around the world fighting this disease! He and my son raised over $1800.00!! His heart is simply amazing to me. Not only did he decide to shave his head, he also reached out to a little girl and her family and wanted to sponsor them. He told them all about the event and invited them down to be a part of it. Her name is Hailey and she is the little girl pictured between James & Jake. She had brain cancer and is now in remission!

He and my son, took the stage together and shaved their heads! It was awesome to have my kids there and teach them about giving back to those that need it most. I love that, if nothing else, this is the lesson that they get from James & I.

I firmly believe that those that can, should. If you have even a few dollars to spare, you should be donating them. If you have even a few hours to spare, then you should be donating them. Those of us that are of able bodies, should be giving back. It is the humane thing to do.

Babe, I am more in love with you everyday! I am so proud that you are my husband. Thank you for being such a great example to our kids!

A Change of Direction

2011-06-06T13:59:00.000-07:00

Lately, James & I have been leaning towards Jacob attending mainstream Kindergarten and were very excited that he and Grace would, finally, be attending the same school together.

Well, that is not to be.

His present teacher called me for a conference and expressed her concern about Jake attending regular Kindergarten. She does not think he is ready. I won't lie. This deeply saddened me. Here I had been talking to Grace & Jake about their new school, even taking them there on the weekends to get them familiar with the lay of the land. And now, it is not to be :(

I really wanted to tell his Teacher that she was wrong. That he was ready. But in my gut, I know that she is right. He is not ready.

Academically, he is perfect! He is scoring above his grade, but socially, he is behind. Not far, but still behind. In Kindergarten, it is required that you do as you are told. If you are told to sit down and do your work, that is what you should be doing and the Teacher should not have to be reminding you of this task. This is where the issue lies. He is probably hitting this command at about 50%. We still see this behavior at home, which makes it easier to accept her recommendation.

His current Teacher, Ms. C., wanted me to go and tour the school they are recommending. It is what they call an 'SDC' (special day class). Where there is a Teacher and four Aides to 10 kids vs, 1 Teacher and 1 Aide to 25 kids. The individualized attention is so much more and will benefit him greatly. The plan is to have him in this class, but during part of the day he will be mainstreamed into the general Kindergarten class so that he can see what is expected of him and be ready to rock 'n roll when the time comes! The goal is that by the time 1st grade rolls around, he will be ready to attend 1st grade in a general session.

So this morning, I met the school Psychologist at the new school and was more than pleasantly surprised at the class. The Teacher, Ms. K., is a woman that has the most calm way about her. I was there for a good 35mins and she had those kids listening and participating without raising her voice in the slightest!! Heck..I need parenting classes from her! She had them saying the Pledge of Allegiance, counting the days that had past of the school year in ten's, she even had them doing yoga! So cute to see the little ones in the doggie down pose ;)

Now, my heart and soul feel great about him being at this school. I know that he will succeed and soar! I have no doubts in my Bubbi!

I attached some pics....well just because he is so stinkin' cute! He was showing off his Mohawk :)

Baby Over 40

2011-05-24T18:34:00.001-07:00

Am I too old to have another?

I don’t worry about my health, I worry about my sanity.

With 3 kids under 5, would my psychy survive?

Am I crazy to even entertain the idea?

The backstory is that we used IVF to get pregnant with the twins and during that 1st (and only) cycle they were able to retrieve plenty of great eggs. When it was time to implant, we decided to implant 3, leaving 4 on ice. 4 embryo’s, not eggs. Big difference in my mind and my husband’s.

When we were in the process of IVF, it never entered our minds what we would do with the remaining embryo’s. The thinking was to hope for as many good eggs as possible, so that if the one cycle failed, we would have others to implant. Truthfully, I went in to the whole process very positive and had a very strong feeling that we would conceive out of the gate. I never thought about the other eggs we fertilized. Which, I admit, was very reckless. I just didn’t think that far in advance.

So, now here we are with 4 embryo’s on ice and I feel a responsibility to give them a chance.

I really can’t wrap my head around 4 more children and I know that James cannot either, but we both feel a moral responsibility to those babies. So, our game plan will be to put one in at a time and see what happens.

I have no idea when we are going to do this, but it will be soon as I am not getting any younger. In fact, in a few days I will be 41. Is it too old? I don’t think so in this day and age.

And in case you were wondering. Caroline was conceived naturally while we were in North Carolina on vacation scouting out a new state for us to live in. Hence her name…Caroline

A Fun Weekend!

2011-05-23T13:03:00.000-07:00

As I wrote in an earlier post, my health has been acting up lately and some days are better than others. Unfortunately, I had a flare up on Saturday and was left pretty much down for the count.

But on Sunday! That was a whole different story! I was up and raring to go! James & I decided to split up the kids and he took Grace on a hike and I took Jake & Caroline to our favorite park that has a train you ride around the park and it also has a carousel! The kids had a great time and so did James & I.

Here's some pics!

I hope you all had a great weekend too!!

The Simple Life

2011-05-23T12:43:00.000-07:00

Does it exist?

I am constantly craving the simple life. I want to know my neighbors...all of them. Not just the one to the right of us. I want to live in a community. I want to live in an area that shares my religious beliefs and political beliefs. Here, we are in the minority on both of those. I am tired of people actually laughing in my face because they think I am joking when I tell them I have been to Bible study. This is my reality and not one I want my kids raised in.

My Mom's side of the family is all from Waco, Texas and I have been surrounded by the Southern tongue forever! My Grandma who has lived her for at least 55yrs, STILL has an accent as thick as molasses and it is music to my ears. There is a lot to be said for the way people act in the South. People are much more friendly there and southern charm still exists!

My heart really craves the South. I need to be there. I need to raise my children there. I need the slower pace. There are so many pro's for my family moving, but with pro's, comes the con's.

My parents and my husband's parents are all here. That would mean that my kids would not get to see them on the regular basis that they do now. I know that the relationships that have been formed between my parents and my children would stay sound. I have no doubt about that and my parents would make sure of it! It just means that the frequency of the visits would be spread out.

But as a woman, who was once a child, I will always need my mommy. There I said it aloud. I will miss my parents beyond words. I am extremely close to my mom & dad and I'm not sure my anxiety could handle being across the country from them :( But, I am an adult now (begrudgingly so) and I need to do what's best for my family and I do believe that this would be the right decision.

My mom has always said that I should have been born in the 50's, and I really do think she is right! I want to stay home with my kids. I want to volunteer at worthy causes and feel like I am giving something back to my community.

But most of all, I want to feel like I am home. And I don't not feel that now.

Tell me, where do you live and do you like it? Does it feel like home? Are you considering a move?

Many Bambino's

2011-05-19T11:28:00.000-07:00

Ever since I could remember, my goal in life was to have many, many kids and stay home and raise them. Back in that young mind of mine, I totally had the whole thing planned out. My husband would work, I would stay home and raise the babies, clean the house, fix the dinner, etc. My mom always said that I was born in the wrong era and I couldn't agree more! I still long for that dream to become a reality.

But, welcome the monkey wrench in to the plans.

It appears as tho, I have zilch for patience. How is that my dream is to stay home surronded by little voices, messes and God knows what else when the slightest bit of chaos has me pulling my hair out?

Could I have been that wrong about my dream?? I only have 3 kids and beg to be able to take a shower or go to the bathroom without an audience!! It is true that I don't have a lot of down time from the kids, but still, if I was a stay at home mom, the same would be true and even more so!! I would be with them 24/7, where as now, I work full-time Monday-Friday and only have the mornings and evenings with them during the week and then they are with us full-time on the weekends. It's a strain. It's a strain on my marriage.

YET.....

I think I want another???? What is wrong with me?!! Someone needs to seriously lock me up!

Please tell me there are others of you out there just like me that would do it all over again!! Please!!!

A Beautiful Life

2011-05-18T16:42:00.001-07:00

I was watching a 20/20 special with Stephanie Nielson, the author of the Nie Nie Dialogues, who survived a horrific plane crash that burned over 60-80% of her body. She went on to tell her story of how her kids had to get to know their ‘new’ mommy and how her then 22month old thought her sister was his mommy. She has had countless operations. Had to endure more pain than anyone could possibly understand and do you know what she said at the end of her interview when asked if she had any regrets??

She said that she had no regrets and that she has a beautiful life!

I am amazed at how some people pull themselves up from the bottom and carry on. They do not look back; only forward. They do not wallow in self pity. They don’t waste time thinking of what was and what is. The concentrate on the good. The now.

I seriously think some people are just wired this way and I do not believe myself to be one of them. I get caught up in my drama. Which compared to others, would be a joke.

I get caught up in the fact that I have gained weight. I get caught up in the fact that I have hit a rough spot within myself. There are many days when I don’t want to get out of bed. When staying in my pajamas seems like the best choice out there.

Then there are other days when I feel like I am as happy as happy could be. When the perfect song will come on the radio and I will sing my heart out. When the perfect day has brought the perfect weather. There are many days like this, but it seems as of lately, that there are too many bad days to outweigh the good.

I have had health issues all my life and again I am dealing with another. Nothing life threatening, just life annoying! I live in constant pain. Some days the pain is better than others. Right now, it sucks. It’s uncomfortable. It sucks to be in chronic pain. It sucks to be told that an answer to this is a hysterectomy. It all sucks.

And yet, here is a woman who knows what pain really is. I commend her for her willpower and strength. She is truly a role model.

I think I will adopt her philosophy….

“Life is Beautiful”

His and Hers

2011-05-18T09:36:00.000-07:00

I know this is just a picture of two ball caps, but it is so much more to me.

It reflects partnership, teammates, true love.

He is my husband and the man of my dreams. I am forever grateful that I met him and that he asked for my hand in marriage.

A Brave Little Man

2011-05-05T15:22:00.000-07:00

On May 3rd, in the afternoon, brave Phinean Halligan took his last breath.

He was only 2 1/2 yrs old

Neuroblastoma

He faught so hard for a year

When will this end?

Mad, does not even begin to express all the rage I feel about this.

You can pay your respects at www.caringbridge.org/visit/phinhalligan

Anonymous

2011-04-28T11:26:00.000-07:00

When I started this blog, it was to chronicle my life. I wanted to be sure to capture all the awesome things happening within it.

While we have had lots of awesomeness happening, I haven't felt like blogging.

A blog is such a public forum and one where honesty should be respected. I respect blogging enough, that I felt it best to stay away awhile since I couldn't seem to share everything.

I feel that a blog should be an honest depiction of your life and that the good & bad should be represented. But I guess I am just not brave enough to share the bad. And I feel if I just share the good, that I am not being honest by portraying a life that isn't so. Does any of that make sense?

What do you all think? Should a blog be all or nothing? Or just the good?

Sometimes I wish I would have started this blog under anonymous circumstances so that I could reveal everything.

I am finally part of the 21st century!!

2011-02-22T20:24:00.001-08:00

I had a BlackBerry. Hated it. I also hated AT&T, so I had to wait for Verizon to get their act together and get the iPhone. As you know, this happened!

On Monday I finally joined the other giddy iPhone owners and understand the lure and addiction of this thing! I am hooked, line and sinker!!

To make my gadget addiction worse, I also just ordered (and received today) my very first laptop! QVC had a deal that I could not pass up!

I got a Dell laptop and while I could try and remember all the cool things it has…I’ll just tell you that it is awesome and I am more than happy! It was a total cinch to hook up and get going on.

I hope these new gadgets will help organize my life as this is what they promise…right? ;)

Organics for Everyone!!

2011-02-16T14:12:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm going to get on my soapbox now!

6 or so months ago I caught an episode of Dr. Oz about pesticides on our food. He had an expert come out and talk about all the nasty stuff that is in our fruits, vegetables, meat, milk! It is everywhere. On one apple alone, there are 40 known pesticides. 40!! This is sooo completely unacceptable.

Needless to say, I was shocked about this. And yes, I know that the Organic train has come and been around for years, but I never knew to the extent in which our foods are exposed to chemicals. So, of course, I completely switched everything in our house to Organics. Milk, meat, fruit, veggies, everything. I have started shopping at Whole Foods religiously.

Then it dawned on me. I am in a position where I can afford to buy Organic, but many, many people are not. So, even if a mother knows that organic is better, she doesn't have a choice due to the cost of organics. That is heartbreaking. Organics should be available to all and it should be ALL that is offered. It should not be okay to sell us food that can harm us.

Why in the world would the Government even allow foods to be sold that have poisonous chemicals in it? I am soo flabbergasted that this is even acceptable.

So, here's where the soapbox comes in.

Autism is on the rise. Cancer is on the rise. Do you see a correlation here? Because I do! I am completely convinced that all of these things are connected. How can they not be! If we are eating foods doused in chemicals, it has to have some negative effects on our body.

Ggggrrrr....this makes me soo mad!

God gave me a miracle

2011-02-16T13:54:00.000-08:00

I read this on a CaringBridge site and it hit me hard.

As most of you know, Jacob has special needs and they have hinted that he has Asperger's Syndrome, but with early intervention, we have been able to turn around most of his delays.

I never would have believed that he would be making the progress he is making. When we started his therapy, there was talk that it was questionable that he would be able to start Kindergarten on time. Now, it is a sure thing that he will go off to Kindergarten. The only thing we are trying to figure out is if he will need to be in a Special Day Class. In SDC they have aides that help kids with learning disabilities. It gives those kids, just a little omph to help them prepare for being in a general class where he would be 1 of 25, vs. 1 of 6 which is what he is in now.

Anywho, at 2 years old, Jacob was still not talking and we weren't sure if he ever would. We started intensive therapy at home, working 40hrs a week with his therapists on everything from speech therapy,occupational therapy and ABA therapy. And after a few sessions we had THAT moment where he looked over at me and said "Mama". I can't even find the deep words to articulate how it felt to hear him say that. It was a true gift and one that was not taken for granted. I know how hard he had worked to get those words out and never had I been soo proud of him. Tears immediately filled my eyes.

Mom's that have special needs kids, will find solace in this. I know I did.

~Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit. This year thousands of mothers will give birth to a premature baby. Did you ever wonder how mothers of preemies are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

“Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron saint, Matthew. “Forest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron saint, Cecilia. “Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron saint... give her Gerard. He’s used to profanity.

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and smiles, “Give her a premature baby.” The angel is curious. “Why this one, God? She’s so happy.”

“Exactly, “ smiles God. “Could I give a premature baby a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel.”

“But does she have patience?” asks the angel. “I don’t want her to have too much patience, or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she’ll handle it.

“I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence that are so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I’m going to give her has his own world. She has to make it live in her world and that’s not going to be easy.”

“But, Lord, I don’t think she even believes in you.” God smiles, “No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness.”

The angel gasps, “Selfishness? Is that a virtue?” God nods. “If she can’t separate herself from the child occasionally, she’ll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child who comes in a less than perfect way. She doesn’t realize it yet, but she is to be envied.

“She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says ‘Mommy’ for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. When she describes a tree or a sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations.

“I will permit her to see clearly the things I see - ignorance, cruelty, prejudice - and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side.”

“And what about her patron saint?” asks the angel, the pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles. “A mirror will suffice.”

~Author unknown

"How do you do it?"

2011-02-16T13:39:00.000-08:00

That is a question that I have gotten more times than I can count. Especially when Caroline was first born and the twins were 2. My response was always "you just do". And whilst saying that, I would be thinking in the back of my head, this isn't SOO hard. It's totally doable.

Well, my tune has changed!! And when people now ask me and I more reluctant to say "who say's I'm doing it well?". Lately my patience and tolerance are at an all-time low. I am soooo tired of hearing myself talk that I want to tell myself to shut up already! I can only imagine what my children must be thinking!

They aren't doing anything out of the norm for 4year olds and a 2year old. You know, not listening, arguing, debating, talking back, etc. You get the gist. If I had a penny for every time a child did as I told them, I would be beyond rich! I would be the new Mrs. Trump. No doubt.

But alas, that is a fantasy world.

I am soo sick of hearing all the negative words in my house. I do praise them when they do something great, but it is the not listening to just about everything we tell them to do that is taking it's toll on James & I.

Both James & I sit at work and think about our kids and how much we miss them, then within 5 minutes of everyone getting home, we are ready to pull our hair out! And yet, we know that when they are grown and gone that we will be heartbroken. So we try to savor every minute and be thankful that they still want to be around us.

But in the moment, that is very, very hard to do.

We're Going to Disneyland!

2011-01-27T12:33:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure who is more excited, me or the kids??!!

I've been downloading all kids of tips & hints immersing myself in everything Disney!! I even paid for a software program that will help me plan my day by maximizing our time in the park. Crazy, right?

Typically when we have gone to Disneyland we have gone the cheapest route possible by staying in a budget hotel and watching the dollars very closely......but not this year!!

This year we are staying in the Grand California Hotel!! They had a special deal that if you book before 2/14 and have your visit happen before 4/14, you got 30% off accommodations!

So we are going to be living large at this hotel! I just cannot wait! The park has a special entrance into the park so we won't have to walk a mile just to get to the beginning of the park. We also will have an early entrance on one of the days we are there so that we get in an hour before everyone else.

This is going to be awesome!!

The twins are turning 5 on May 1st, so we are giving them an early birthday present!

The countdown begins!! 66 Days to go!

Can you tell I am excited ;)

A Shepard, An Angel and the Choir

2011-01-27T12:21:00.000-08:00

During the Christmas holiday, the kids were all part of a play based upon Jesus' birth.

Jake was a Shepard, Grace was an Angel and Caroline, well she was supposed to be in the choir, but she got a case of stage fright and could not go on. The same could not be said about the twins! They were not nervous at all and in fact, they were very excited to go on stage!

Cutest Angel and Shepard I have ever seen!!

Grace & Jake each had parts that their were to act out with each song they sang and they both did awesome! After each song was sung, the crowd would clap, and Jake would take a bow! He was the only one to do this! They both had a great time, but Jake had a grin from ear-to-ear during the whole thing!

At one pause during a song Jake yelled out "Mom, I love you!" That was awesome beyond words!

We had my father-in-law take a family pic of us and as you can see he cut off James' head! But I absolutely love the laughter on Jake's face in it, so I had to post it. Sorry James!

New Years Resolution = FAIL

2011-01-27T12:12:00.000-08:00

Why, why, why do I set myself up like this!!

My last post contained a resolution that I would post 5 times a week! Brraaahhaaaa! What the heck was I thinking??

I have a husband, 3 kids and a full-time job! That is an insane resolution!

So, let's just forget that I made that resolution and I will blog as much as I can.

until next time....

New Years Resolutions

2011-01-04T15:46:00.000-08:00

I remember being in high school and hearing Prince sing about 1999 and think that was FOREVER away and now, it is here!

Now I am a happily married mother of three in her 40's and I have the life I have always dreamed of. I am one lucky gal :)

I've never really been one for New Years resolutions, but I have decided to make one this year. And it is to write on my blog at least 5 times a week.

I love to look back and my previous posts and read about things that I have already forgotten. Which is why I must continue to post my day-to-day musings.

Mundane or not, they must be recorded...for my children's sake!

7 Years Ago, Today...

2010-10-25T15:23:00.000-07:00

I married my best friend and the love of my life!

The 7 years have gone by soo fast! We have done so much together. We have shared so many 'firsts' together. We bought our first home together. We became first time parents. We became 'that' couple we swore we never would ;) You know the kind...that know everything until they have children of their own. Turns out we don't know squat about parenting! It's all just a crap shoot!

He made my dream of motherhood, a reality. I have the most adorable children, because of him!

Marriage is hard. No doubt about it. But the payoff.....it's unbelievable! There are moments when I sit back and am in awe of my own life. I have everything I have ever wanted and it is all because of this man.

We have learned so much about each other and ourselves in this journey.

I've learned that I must trust him completely with my heart. He deserves that from me.

I have learned that, I too, have flaws.

I am learning how to love and how to be loved.

I knew from the minute I met him, that he was my soul mate. Love at first sight does exist!

He is my everything. He is my best friend.

My life is complete.

The Bird Has Landed!

2010-08-31T12:38:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I chose that title, but it seemed to fit!

Jake started Pre-K on 8/23 and we decided that we would no longer put him in pull-ups. So we sent him into school in his big boy undies and lots and lots of extra clothes. And guess what...he has done fantastically with it! The last few days of last week and yesterday, he has come home in the same shorts and underwear that we sent him to school in!

And then last night.......

He was in taking a bath and I was cleaning up the kitchen, when I heard "MOM, COME HERE!!". Much to my surprise, he had gotten out of the bath and went poo poo in the potty!! I called for the rest of the family to come see! Everyone was sooo proud of him and he was soo proud of himself!! James took a picture of it, but I am quite sure, that no one really wants to see it!

It is a tradition in our family that when you poop in the potty and are using the potty consistently, you get to go to Target and pick out whatever toy you want!

I immediately got him out of the tub and dressed and off to Target we went! Here is what he picked out...

Sorry for the picture quality

I love how proud Grace is of him in the background!!

He's awesome!

School Begins!

2010-08-23T13:36:00.000-07:00

Today is Jake & Grace's first day of Pre-K and it is Caroline's first day at preschool! There are finally all back in the same school!

Because of space limitations, all the kids could not start at the same time. Grace was first to start and we couldn't have made a better decision to have her start first if we tried! She started on August 2nd and has been learning the routine, so when it came time to show her brother and little sister around, she was in hog heaven! She has shown them where to put your lunch box, where they lie down to take a nap, the best toys to play on the playground with...etc!! She has been awesome with them today! She might be a little control freak, like her mama I'm afraid ;)

They have been separated for the past year, so it is sooo awesome to have them all in the same place so that they can see each other every day!

Here are some pics!!

They are soo awesome and I am soo proud to be their mama!

And....I'm back!

2010-08-14T14:47:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been awhile since I have posted. I guess I am not very diligent about posting regularly. Oh well, it is what it is and I can't, won't, put expectations on myself.

So, life has been great lately! I am such a lucky person to have the husband and kids that I do. They make my life absolutely awesome! I am in a place of euphoria these days. Just been hanging out and doing stuff with the kids and the hubby.

Summer is going fast! Jake starts back at his school on the 23rd of August and this is the make or break year for him. This next school year will determine if he makes it in to Kindergarten. Our fingers and toes are crossed that the deem him ready. I feel in my heart that he will be ready based upon the strides he has made in the last two years. The strides have been HUGE! From a child, who at age 2, could not utter a word, to a little man who uses 5 word utterances and more! He is doing just awesome and I could not be more proud of all the progress he has made.

Also on the 23rd, Caroline will join her big sister at preschool! I am soo nervous for her, but I know she will do great! Recently my sis-in-law has been watching Jake & Cara and it has been beyond wonderful! I love knowing that she is with them and that they get to spend so much time with their Auntie. We will all miss her watching them!!

Here is a pic of Grace & Caroline watching t.v. together

Grace started at the new preschool on August 2nd, so she will be able to show Jake & Cara around. Which I know she will love to do! She is such an awesome big sister to Caroline. She really likes to take care of her. It is soo sweet to see the relationship blooming between them. And I know with both Jake & Grace at the same school, that they will look after Caroline. Jake has really shown his big brother ways too! He is soo very cute with her!

So, that's it for now. I hope to not be away for soo long again as many other topics are swirling in my head that I would love to post about.

Bye for now ;)

Daddy's Boy

2010-07-14T20:38:00.000-07:00

This morning I was cleaning out Jake's dresser drawer when I came upon a shirt I had forgotten all about!

It was his Steelers shirt!!

So, I was soo excited and ran into the family room to show Jake! He was in there with Daddy watching t.v.

Mama to Jake "Jake, look at what I found!!"

Jake to Mama "WOW, MY FAVORITE STEELERS SHIRT!!"

Right then and there, I swear my husband was going to cry!

He immediately put it on and insisted on wearing it all day, even though it was like 90 degrees here today!

The Steelers are his all-time favorite team and while, of course, we watch every game and always root for them, I truly had no idea that Jake knew who they were.

It was really, really awesome to hear him say that!!

Here are some pics:

My son, he's a stud!

Two Years Ago

2010-07-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

You, my Sweet Caroline came into my life. When I think about our time together in the hospital, tears come to my eyes. Not sad tears. happy tears. Oh how I loved having that one-on-one time with you and getting to really bond with you. Something I definitely missed out with your brother & sister.

It was 11:30am when Dr. R proudly announced "IT'S A GIRL"! We had kept your gender a secret for the whole pregnancy, which I might add, was the hardest thing ever and I don't even know why we did it! Although, I knew in my hearts-of-hearts that you were my Sweet Caroline. I think we all did :) In fact, we hadn't decided on a boy's name!

You were absolutely beautiful! I remember our first 'meeting' so vividly. You instantly tried nursing off my nose! You smelled so yummy and I couldn't get enough of you! Your eyes, your lips, your long fingernails. All of it, was beautiful. I felt like the luckiest mommy in the whole world.

The time we spent together in the hospital was amazing. Daddy had to take care of Grace & Jake, so that meant that you and I had lots of bonding time. I am forever grateful for that time with you. You were amazing from the first night with us. Grammy stayed overnight with me while Daddy went home to take care of G&J and I remember when Grammy & I decided to go to sleep and catch the couple of hours sleep we could....we blinked and FIVE hours had passed! On your first night, you slept FIVE hours straight! Grammy & I panicked at first but then realized that you were just sleeping like a baby :)

After that, you discovered how to nurse and you were a champ from day 1! You nursed like it was going out of style! The nurse would tell me to write down everytime you nursed. So I did. And before you knew it, I was writing every 20 mins! No kidding! Grammy & I use to laugh at that! There wasn't much sleep to be had until we got out of the hospital, but I didn't care. I loved being with you, awake or asleep! In fact, I am POSITIVE that your first smile happened on your 4th day in the hospital. I tried to get a picture of it, but wasn't 100% sucessful. But these are pretty close.

You are soo very precious!

While in the hospital, your brother & sister did come and visit you but Grace was very unhappy that day and refused to have her picture taken. But here is one with Jake.

Then before we knew it, you turned 1! We of course threw you a birthday party and you were unbelievable cute that day. You decided not to nap that day and rallied!

And here we are. You are now 2 years old and I honestly do not know where the time goes. You are such a happy, joyous baby! I constantly feel like I hit the lottery with you! You are sooo smart. You can count to 11; you have a fantastic vocabulary and speak in 3 word utterances! You are amazing and I am honored to be your mommy.

I love you to the moon and back, my Sweet Caroline.

Kids say the darndest things!

2010-07-01T08:54:00.000-07:00

So I thought I would start an ongoing post full of, as we call them, Grace-ism's! She truly says the darndest things! So, here's a couple to start and I will update this as new ones come out!

Dad to Caroline "You're so pretty, just like your sister Grace". Grace looks over to Dad and says "She's not THAT pretty Dad".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I am scolding Grace for not listening, she puts her hand over her heart and says "This is my heart. God loves my heart. Jesus loves me"
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Grace and her friend are having a picnic outside. Her friend says "I want to have a picnic at your house. Do you have a dog and a cat?". Grace says "Yes, we have a dog and a cat". Friend says "I don't like cats". Grace says "Well I guess you're not coming to my house then".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Grace out of the blue comes over and says to me "I'm tired of being so pretty".
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She cracks me up!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-06-30T09:48:00.001-07:00

Water Play!

A way to give back

2010-06-29T13:43:00.000-07:00

I have joined Stella & Dot! For those of you not familiar with them, check out this link! Their jewelry is adorable and affordable!

So my thought is to introduce everyone I know to Stella & Dot so that you can get some rockin' pieces for yourself while helping out some incredible non-profit organizations at the same time!

But I also have a motive :) A hefty portion of my proceeds with be donated to 3 charities that I wholeheartedly support.

The first charity that I plan on supporting is 'Friends of Maddie'. This little girl changed my life. She changed my whole way of thinking about life on this earth and how we should not take one day for granted. Her parents started this non-profit to support families of critically ill babies by easing the transition into NICU life and providing an ally until the end of their child's hospital stay.

The second charity is the 'Layla Grace Children's Cancer Foundation'. Another little girl who I fell in love with that lost her battle with cancer. Her parents are determined not to have her death be in vain and have started the non-profit to help raise funds in stopping cancer!

The third charity is 'St. Baldrick's'. This is an amazing organization that, thus far, has raised $20million, that's right....MILLION, in the fight against childhood cancer! I am in awe of all they do to help eradicate this nasty disease.

So, won't you help me by ordering some beautiful jewelry?? Just think, everytime you put on a piece of jewelry that you ordered from my website...you will have helped in the fight against cancer!!

Here's the link to my website. Happy shopping and thanks for helping!

It's one of those days

2010-06-24T09:55:00.000-07:00

It's one of those days where the tears will not stop flowing. As much as I try to pull myself together, it is just not happening.

Maybe I am hypersensitive?? Why do I feel so alone in my mourning?? I feel like I am the only person out there that mourns these babies that pass as if I knew them personally. Is that soo crazy? Definitely a question for my shrink!

All I can think about are these mom's that are having to witness their child's last breath on this earth and wonder how does one move forward after that. And yet they do with strength and grace that I did not know existed on this planet. I am in awe of their faith and their will to go on.

To the Potvin's, there are no words that I can give you that will comfort during this time. Just please know that my heart is heavy with sorrow for your loss. I am soo deeply sorry for your loss.

For those interested, here is the to the Ellie's CaringBridge website: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/elliepotvin

God bless you all Potvin Family.

Starlight, Starbright

2010-06-22T15:37:00.000-07:00

For my babies ~ you have made every wish come true and I am the luckiest mama on the planet!

Lyrics by Nicolette Larson

baby i am here

never thought that in a million years

never thought that you would come to me

you're the answers to a million prayers

you're the apple of my eye

i can hear you breathing next to me

just how lucky can one person be?

i am looking at a mystery

everything i dream, more than i can wish for

starlight, starbrigt, all day all night

i will be right next to you

here forever, i will never leave, i will never leave

baby you're my little ray of light

i could fin you in the darkest nights

if you cry then i will hold you tight

never letting go, i would do that for you.

starlight, starbright, all day all night

i will be right next to you

here forever, i will never leave, i will never leave

baby i am here

starlight starbright, all day all night

i will be right next to you

here forever, i will never leave, i will never leave

Father's Day

2010-06-21T15:09:00.000-07:00

I am truly blessed to have two great men in my life. My dad and my husband.

They both deserve soo much recognition for all they do for their families.

My husband is one-of-a-kind!! I feel like I seriously hit the jackpot with him! He is a keeper, ten-fold! I knew it from the minute I laid eyes on him...of course, it took me a little while to convince him of that!! (more on that another time).

My kids will grow up with the most amazing Dad!

Happy Father's Day Baby! We love you!

Phin's Fight

2010-06-21T10:29:00.000-07:00

Hi All,

I am saddened to even have to post this. It's just been too much lately.

I am posting this info about a little boy named Phin who is 18mos old and is battling stage 4 high risk Neuroblastoma. He is the nephew of a friend of mine.

Please take a moment to read the blog that has been set up for him and his CaringBridge website.

Please include him in your prayers!!

Phin's fight: http://phinsfight.wordpress.com/

Phin's CaringBridge Site: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/phinhalligan

Lacking Patience

2010-06-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have had a rough go of it with my kids. My patience with them is at an all time low and I honestly don't know why.

They aren't really doing anything out of the norm for 4 year olds and a 2 year old.

-they don't listen
-they are constantly telling ME how it's going to be
-they insist on NOT eating the dinner I have slaved over
-they refuse to talk in an inside voice
-they will not stop using the couches as pommel horses

These things are all normal...right??

I know, that I need to step back and be thankful for their health and for the fact that they are at my feet driving me nuts as I know other mother's who would do anything to have their kids at their feet. I want so badly to have a happy house where there isn't constant contention but I am failing miserably at this.

Seriously, are my expectations just too great? Am I living in a fuzzy reality again?

I need to chill out and can figure out how to stop the fighting, the yelling, etc.

I'm at a loss. So until I figure it out, I guess I will just hold on for dear life!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-06-09T09:32:00.000-07:00

The Great Love of my Life

It feels good to be 40!

2010-06-08T13:42:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, my wonderful husband threw me a 40th birthday party!

Great friends were there to help welcome me in to my 40's! I am soo touched by how much love was there that day.

Some friends drove from very far away, and for that I thank you so much for making the drive.

Some friends came from around the corner and I thank you for everything you did to make my day awesome!

Special thanks to the bartender (Jim)! Great lemon drops ;)

I love you all so much and am honored to be your friend!

BIG thanks to my most wonderful hubby for throwing me the party! You did a great job with everything and I soo appreciate all the time and energy you put into it! Thanks for the belly laughs ;)

Caroline's Big Day!

2010-06-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

Caroline, who is not even 2yrs. old yet, just pooped in the potty!! Woot!

Way to go Caroline!! Mommy & Daddy are sooo proud of you!!

F&%K CANCER

2010-06-03T00:00:00.000-07:00

Yep, I used an expletive in my title because that's how pissed I am that cancer is robbing this world!!

Up until Tuesday, I have said that cancer has never affected me personally. Not true anymore.

On Tuesday I was given sad news that a dear friend of mine and my husband's has only 6months left to live due to a cancer they *thought* they had gotten rid of, only to find out that it is ravishing her body.

Sad, mad, heartbroken, don't even do justice to how I am feeling right now.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-06-02T09:27:00.000-07:00

An Oldie...:)

This is of Grace when she was about 18mos old.

It's a rude, rude world!

2010-06-02T00:00:00.000-07:00

As of lately, it seems, as if this world is getting ruder by the second! I am constantly floored by the rude actions I see happening around me.

People cutting people off on the freeway. People not holding doors for others. Or holding the doors, only to be ignored and not given a thank you!

Here is a really, really good example:

I took the girls to breakfast at the little restaurant around the corner from our house. We have been going to this place for about 7 years now. The waitress, we will call her "D", knows us by our first name. Knows our children. We know hers, etc.

So, the girls and I sit down. She gives me a menu and crayons and paper to the girls. We have been sitting and waiting now at least 10mins when a man (you will notice I did not call him a gentleman), sits down at the table next to us with his 2 boys. He immediately starts telling "D" that he is in a hurry. She assures him that she is aware, as this is apparently a frequent thing. She then comes over and asks if we are ready. We are. I give her our order and she then walks to his table to get his order.

It's now been about 10minutes more, and Caroline has already started to ask that we leave. She is bored. We have played with all the jelly packs we can to entertain her. She has colored. She has drank her juice. She is ready to go.

On the counter, I can see that food has come up and is ready to be brought to the table. "D" gets the food and brings it to the man and his kids!! She says "you should thank her (me), I put your food ahead since you were in a hurry"!

I'M SORRY! WHAT?? WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

The man attempts to laugh it off and thanks me. The nerve!

So, the man and his sons, gobble their food and leave. "D" then trys to lessen her rude behavior, by telling me that he does that to her all the time. I tell her, "that was rude on so many levels. His issue of being late, is not my problem. You should not let anyone instruct you on how to service your customers. Also, is that really the message he wants to send to his sons? That he can cut in front of people and that it is okay?". Yes, I said a mouth full, but I was soooo mad. Where does this sense of entitlement come from? Why would anyone a) ask a waitress to do this and b) why would the waitress allow this?

Well, needless to say, my dissatisfaction was reflected in her tip.

What do you think? Do you find the world to be ruder these days?

Where have I been?

2010-06-01T13:29:00.000-07:00

Has anyone been wondering?

The month of May was a crazy one! There were too many things going on to stop and update my blog. Although, I am certain most people have a blog so that they can do just that!

But, me...well I was overwhelmed with May, and quite honestly, am glad to see it gone!

Here's a few things that happened in May:

* The twins turned 4 and we had a party!
* I turned 40 and my husband is throwing me a party this weekend, sans kids ;)
* My mom had back surgery, which then led to pneumonia, which then led to an ambulance ride to the ER, where she was hospitalized! She is out, thank God, and doing better!
* My boss quit and since I am an Executive Admin, he was my job. Luckily I work at a great place and have been told that I am fine and to sit tight until they replace him!

So, that is enough drama for one month....wouldn't you say!

Now, let's bring on June!

For my mom

2010-05-13T14:57:00.000-07:00

Ever since I can remember, I have felt like the black sheep of the family. My parents are Democrats and I am a Republican. How or why I became a Republican, I don't know. But I have always seemed to side with their logic. Obviously, this has caused many, many heated arguments between me and my parents and my extended family. They were respectful arguments, but heated none the less. Even though I stood on the right and my mom on the left, never have I felt that my mom was judging me or belittling my choice. My mom always listened to my point of view and I to hers. We typically don't agree, but we listen ;)
My mom is the most giving, unselfish woman I know. She would give you her last dime if you asked. I remember traveling with her about 10years ago. We were in a hotel and right before we checked out, she started gathering all the miniature toiletries and loading them in her bag. I was perplexed. She took every last one of them. I said "why are you taking all of that?" She replied "because, I donate all of this to a woman's shelter". I was taken aback. I swear it was right then and there that I truly realized how awesome my mom is. I know it may not seem earth shattering to you or probably even to my mom. But it was then and there that I realized just how giving and thoughtful of a person she is.

She inspires to give back and to help when I can. So much so, that I remember a Christmas when I was about 25 or so and she asked me what I wanted. I told her that I wanted her to spend whatever amount of money she was going to spend and give it to Toys for Tots. She had a better idea! She said, let's go buy toys with it and donate the toys! So, I matched her dollar for dollar and off to Target we went! When we reached the checkout line, we had two full carts of toys! When then took all the toys to the local firehouse where they were collecting the toys. That was the best feeling ever! To know that we gave soo many kids a Christmas they typically wouldn't have had, the words are indescribable.

We grew up in a very unconventional way, much to my chagrin back then. During the holidays, anybody that didn't have a home to go to, was always welcome at our table for the holiday meal. I remember begging her to just let it by us (mom, dad, me and my sister) and she said "I'm really sorry honey, but these people don't live near their families and I won't shut my door to them". I guess the Republican in me really wanted the Currier & Ives type of Christmas. Little did I know, that I had it.

My mom never discriminated against anyone. They had friends that were homosexuals, they had friends that were of a different race than us. They were always welcome and accepted in our house. This is another life changing moment for me. You see, my mom was raised knee deep in the heart of Texas where racism runs rampant. She could have easily followed trend and been just like some of those that don't feel humans are humans because of their race. She taught me that no matter the color of someone's skin or their sexual orientation, everyone is equal. Mom, I love you for teaching me this and making sure that we understood to love people, not hate.

Mom, I hope I inspire my children the way you have inspired me!

I love you!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-05-12T08:18:00.000-07:00

Sisters

The twins turned 4!

2010-05-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

My babies turned 4 on Saturday, May 1st. We had their party at a beautiful park on a beautiful day! There were many fun things to do!

We went on a train ride with Grammy & Grandpa

We played kick ball!

And looked darn cute doing it!

We played on the playground.

We blew bubbles

We went for a walk with Daddy

We had snow cones

We opened presents

Even Caroline got a new baby!

We had a great time!

I cannot believe that my babies turned 4 years old! Where o where does the time go??

Good things coming!

2010-05-07T14:57:00.001-07:00

It has been awhile since I posted, but it is all for good reason!

I am trying Adobe Photoshop and trying to get all the pictures from Grace & Jake's 4th birthday party edited and loaded.

But for now....here is a teaser!!

A letter from Daddy to Grace & Jake

2010-04-28T15:19:00.000-07:00

Written by Daddy to Grace & Jake for the 4th Birthday

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

4yrs Old

First, this is really my first authentic non sarcastic blog posting of more than 2 lines so forgive the choppiness and lack of flow. I have never written much, except in my journal to myself.

There are milestones we pass on the road of life that are very hard to describe. Adulthood is riddled with all kinds of surprises. Surprises that usually spring up right after declaring in my inner monologue that I am totally normal, things are going great and I have successfully maneuvered the obstacle course of life and now comfortably sit in the Captains Chair on cruise control. On May 1, 2006 I hit the brakes. The cruise control disengaged. The road ahead was in view. For the time being. But all of the pre-conceived notions I had about what the road was going to be like for me and Jenn were suddenly masked by a Tule-Fog.

The birth of my twins, Grace and Jacob, completely changed everything I thought I knew about......well, everything! I used to think I was tired. I used to think I was quite sane. I used to think everyone else just needed to rise to my level of understanding and discernment. I used to think Jenn was the noisiest human ever. I used to think I could handle having kids in stride, no alteration to my life necessary. Cause hey, it's me, James. The Wildenator. Mr. Easy Going. Mr. Gets along with everyone. Mr. Party-time. I used to think so many things that were/are not so. I used to think that basically, I was perfect. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

I remember that day. The birth day. The scheduled c-section. We were going to the Hospital. What could be so hard? We were gonna have 2 kids and we were gonna come home. No big deal. Notice, nothing is hard when I don't have to do it. Cause remember, I'm "James". I thought to myself, finally, we are going to have these kids. I would be able to see and touch them and bond with them as Jenn had for nearly 9months and everything would be fine. I would be able to sympathize and empathize with my wife on all levels. No worries. That would solve that gap. When they are hungry I will feed them. When they poop I will change them. Easy money. I felt good. I was very excited to finally meet them. I thought to myself, wow, this is a really grown up thing that is about to happen to us. Super. I was fine. I thought.

As people started trickling in to the hospital room, I suddenly shrank. I was getting very nervous. Very unsure. I didn't want anyone asking me how I felt because all of a sudden, I wasn't sure. I felt a bit nauseous. I felt like maybe I was about to give birth. Why was I so nervous? Jenn was the one getting split open. I had no problem with that. It wasn't me it was going to happen to. She was laughing, smiling for the camera and having a great time. Suddenly, my eyes felt like they were opening to the reality of what was about to happen.

We go in to the O.R. Now I actually feel ok for some reason. Maybe because I can deflect my emotions by calming Jenn as she gets gutted by the Doctor. I video tape the births with Liz, Jenns mom. 2:30pm, out comes Grace Elizabeth. My baby girl. My piglet. She is perfectly pink. Very fitting since that is her favorite color. Just ask her. She has a raspy, coarse voice and is crying and flailing. Hungry and cold no doubt. Probably stunned by the lights and the sensation of human hands holding her. Then, 1-minute later at 2:31pm out comes Jacob Alexander. My baby boy. My bubba. He is noticeably smaller. Not quite as pink but definitely as loud. He has these huge ruby red lips that look like a cartoonish exaggeration of Mick Jaggers. He is also crying, but his cry has a higher pitch and not so rasppy as his older sister.

Fast forward 4yrs.

Grace and Jacobs 4th birthday is here. The last 4yrs have been a whirlwind for me. In every sense of the word. Halfway through the 4yrs that we just fast-forwarded through, we welcomed our darling Caroline Marie, who is 24months younger than the twins. The joy these children have brought to our lives is immeasurable. So have the trials and learning experiences. I have seen myself transformed by the washing away of so much of my arrogant pride (unfortunately, not all of it yet; but hey, they're only 4 so there is plenty of time).

Fatherhood has exposed so many things I had sworn I had under control. My temper, my ability to be laid back, roll with the punches, hey no big deal. Basically, all of the necessary qualities of being a good parent. The character flaws that parenting exposes are humbling. They not only expose the flaws as a parent, but as a spouse. They expose qualities, positive and negative, related to everything about me. Me the husband. Me the son. Me the nephew. Me the friend. Me the employee. Me the voter. And then, ME! Me the Me! I eat the words and advice I gave to others before I knew better. I eat them with salt, pepper and some Habanero sauce, washed down with a blow torch. I do have a temper. I am not laid back. Little things are HUGE deals. WTF? I thought I had it figured out.

May 1, 2006 was the twins birthday. It was my re-birth day. I am now 4yrs old. They are 4yrs old. So far, they have aged, matured, learned and become better 4yr olds than I. It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks. They are the best teachers ever! The laughter, the yelling, the crying, the shots to the nuts 24/7, being puked on, pissed on, crapped on, smacked in the face as I sleep, kicked, punched, pulled and defied at every step of the way. And thats just the wife :~) (couldn't resist some sarcasm). The one liners, the tantrums, the stubbornness, the mess. Holy Mackerel, the messes. The laundry, the dishes the peeing in the beds. The pooping in the baths. The sippy cups. The diapers. The diapers. I forgot to mention the diapers I think. The loss of sleep. The stress of finances. The toll on my relationship with my Jenn. The fighting, the biting, the breaking, the ripping, the tearing, the tattling, the constant requests the second you sit down. A lot of these things playing out multiple times per day. Caroline, almost 2yrs old being cast into the mix and voila. You have a man brought to his knees. (my wife takes the brunt of most of this btw, just to be clear. not sure how she does it with such grace)

Sometimes, in stark contrast to how I felt in the opening paragraph, I feel like I am the only INSANE person on earth. Unable to deal with the demands of fatherhood. Unable to reserve an ounce of compassion for my wife. Unable to roll with the fast pace and changing routines. Unable to be a great employee. Instead, being brought to my knees is a positive I have decided. I have risen this morning and knelt before God. I thank you God for giving me this wonderful family. I thank you for entrusting me with their care, nurturing and health. I thank you for teaching me through these children. For allowing me to experience all of these blessings and the hardships that come with them.

I think about what my life was like before. What I was like before and I am wondering, what on earth would I be doing right now without all of these gifts? I would have continued on a selfish and arrogant path. Learning few, if any of these hard lessons. Taking for granted and criticizing others experiences with no real knowledge or experience of my own. No idea of what real and true love is and can be. There are a lot of things listed above that could be construed as negative. They are not necessarily. They are life. They are my life. They are what makes this experience so unique and so rewarding. The opportunity to grow, to live for something larger than myself and to care for, guide and simultaneously come under their submission.

Some days, I am up and some days I am down. I make a lot of mistakes as a father and a husband. A lot! But my wife and kids love me anyway. Despite the fact. That is pure love. That Agape love that God has for us even while watching us fumble through life. That love that I am learning to have that I never thought possible.

There are only 4 things I know are not mistakes. My marriage to my wife. And my 3 kids. 2 of whom, I will share a 4th birthday with. Grace and Jacob. You are the lights of my life. I am honored to be your father. Thank you for everything you have taught me and continue to teach me through your lives.

Happy 4th Birthday to you, Grace and Jacob. And to me, for that matter.

I love you,

Dad

********
I posted the link to his blog posting earlier, but wanted to copy the written words so that when I turn this all into a memory book, the words will be there ;)

I am honored to be his wife

2010-04-28T12:52:00.000-07:00

My husband wrote this in regards to the twins birthday coming up on May 1st. He is an amazing writer!

Hands down, I am the luckiest woman to be married to him. Eat your heart out ladies...he's mine ;)

James's post.

~Enjoy

A milestone for Caroline!

2010-04-19T13:19:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note:

Caroline went pee pee twice in the potty on Friday! Whoo-hoo!! Then on Saturday, I was getting her ready for bed and changing her diaper and she told me she had to go pee pee! She was actually listening to her body and knew she had to go potty! She is such a smart cookie!

James & I are breathing a big sigh of relief just for the mere fact that we *might* be able to get another out of diapers soon! Seriously, the cost of having 3 kids in diapers is just amazing!

Grace is now completely out of diapers except for night time. Jake is just starting to get the idea and hopefully in a few months he will have the hang of it. As of right now, I think Caroline might beat him!!

Mama and Bubba Day!

2010-04-16T15:55:00.000-07:00

Today was an awesome day! I got to spend the whole day with Jake, just me and him.

I'd been planning it for a few days now and I wanted to take him to see 'How to Train Your Dragon'. I was trying to find reviews to make sure it wasn't too scary for him. Couldn't really find anything on it, so if you are looking to take your 3 or 4 yr old, I think they will be just fine! In fact, seriously, parts of Snow White are scarier than this movie!!

So we left a little early to get lunch before heading in to the theatre. His request was corndog-on-a-stick. And of course who am I to deny him ;) He looks pretty happy about it to me!

We found our auditorium inside the theatre and walked in and we were the only ones there! So we went all the way to the top, right in the middle to get the best view! More people began to trickle in, but for the most part, it was pretty empty. Then, lady came in late and sat right in front of my son!! Seriously!! He can barely see over the seat in front of him and you come and sit down in a 98% open theatre and sit in front of him??? People never cease to amaze me.

I thoroughly enjoyed my day with my son! And he, thoroughly enjoyed his life size popcorn that he almost finished by himself!!

Great friends

2010-04-14T12:23:00.000-07:00

On Saturday we had some friends over, great friends!

There was much laughter, much food and, most important, homemade Sangria!!

One couple brought their daughter and our other friend brought her daughter. It was a mad house! A noisy, mad house and I loved every second of it! I loved hearing our kids play with the other girls and having such a good time. Just like the adults ;)

The company was fantastic and we all had such a great time! It was one of those moments in life where you stop and take it all in. Just how very fortunate I am to have such great things in my life.

Spreading the word!

2010-04-09T10:42:00.000-07:00

MckMama is giving away an iPad...but that's not all! She is a smart cookie! She knew we would all be interested in an iPad, but she very cleverly tied it to Compassion's Child Sponsorship Program. For every $5.00 you donate to this cause, you will earn one entry into her giveaway.

This is an awesome thing she is doing! So far, she has raised over $20,000.00 in one day!! Go MckMama!!!

Please click on her link and help these babies!

Remembering Maddie

2010-04-07T13:19:00.000-07:00

This post is very hard to write. It has been one year since sweet Madeline Alice Spohr passed away.

This child changed my parenting in so many ways. In the past, I would be quick to shoo away someone so that I could finish the dishes or so that I could finish folding the laundry. Not anymore.

She makes me stop and think. I think how her mother would do anything to have her at her feet wanting her to help color or read her a book. Then and there, I stop what I am doing and give that attention to my child.

However, I am not perfect and still at times get frustrated with my lack of patience. I am only human and do my best to keep things in perspective.

Today was the day many of us, who knew Maddie through her Mother's blog, had dreaded. We knew how hard the day was going to be for Heather and Mike. And yet, there is nothing we can do to relieve that pain.

Maddie, you are missed by thousands and thousands of people! Your sweet smile. Your beautiful blue eyes. How I wish things would have turned out different for you and your mama.

We love you and you will never be forgotten.

God bless you Maddie.

Great Expectations for Jake pt. 2

2010-04-07T12:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday went fantastic with Jake's IEP meeting! We could not be more pleased. And for a number of reasons.

He has made huge strides from where he was a year ago! Just huge! He is ahead of his class in academics! Go Jakey! His vocabulary has improved vastly! He uses 6 to 7 word utterances in sentences. This is huge considering he didn't speak a word until he was over 2 years old!

The only area that we are all concerned about is his high activity level. Him being able to sit still is really hard for him. BUT, it has improved and the teachers feel that with this, his last year, they will be able to get him where he needs to be and that he will be able to go to Kindergarten on time with his sister! Whoo-hoo!! Such a huge relief, I can't even tell you!

Aside from all the good news we heard, the one thing that James and I felt most comforted by was how the teachers spoke of him. The love they have for him is undeniable. They can't help but smile when we share funny stories of him. He is sooo charismatic and has a smile that could warm the coldest heart.

What's not to love??

I love you baby boy and I am soo proud of you!

Great Expectations for Jake

2010-04-05T14:23:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is an important day in our household.

I have a meeting at Jake's school with his Speech Therapist, Occupational Therapist, and his teacher. This is the annual IEP meeting where they will tell me the strides he has made and where he still needs improvement.

Fingers crossed, they will tell me that they think he will be ready for Kindergarten next year. That has always been a possibility, that they will hold him back a year b/c socially he isn't ready. I'm honestly unsure myself if he is ready. I'm hoping another year, this his last year of intensive therapy, that he will be ready.

I probably wouldn't be THIS worried about it if he wasn't a twin. But what I fear is that they will hold him back and Grace will go on to Kindergarten on time. Then, forever, the stigma will be placed upon him. Questions like "you have a twin sister, but your in a different grade? why??" I sooo don't want that for him. Kids can be very cruel and I just don't want to start him out on a negative footing.

Intellectually, he is off the charts! He can spell and write his own name and he isn't even 4 yet! That is awesome! He knows soo much, but socially is where he struggles. It is REALLY, and I mean REALLY, hard to get him to sit still and not jump around.

We have friends that have a cabin in Tahoe who invited us to come up with them and spend the weekend. We did, and honestly, we decided that trips as a family should be just kept to that for now. Jake has outbursts and they aren't things we can control. And when a kid wakes up at 5:30am every morning and can't sit still and is REAL loud, it gets real old and we felt really bad for our friends. I know they said, 'don't worry about it". But that is so hard to do when it is your kid. When we are home, it is a different story. We are use to his outbursts and such and can tolerate them better than an outsider.

So, hopefully this last year, he will learn how to sit still and listen a little better.

Wish us luck tomorrow!

Away

2010-03-29T13:22:00.000-07:00

I had my first trip away from home this weekend without the kids or the hubby. Typically I either take a trip with the hubby and someone watches the kids or I take the kids somewhere but I have never been gone from everyone.

On of my best girlfriends has a house in Tahoe and was kind enough to invite me for a girls get away! No men or kids were allowed! It was very nice to sit and relax. To take a nap when I wanted for however long I wanted! To go out for a meal that didn't have to be inhaled or need to be cut up into tiny pieces! We went for a nice hike on a snowy path. We went out for a nice relaxing lunch that included bloody mary's ;) We made a delicious dinner that was enjoyed with a nice merlot. We drove around the lake and enjoyed the beauty of Lake Tahoe. It was truly a much needed break and one I am grateful to have gotten.

All that loveliness aside, I missed my hubby and kids like CRAZY!! They were all I thought about while I was gone. I spoke to them many times while I was gone and James did such a great job of keeping them all busy and fed! They all seemed to have a great time!

I didn't get home until late last night so I didn't get to see any of them until this morning. Somehow Frace managed to crawl into our bed without us realizing it and I woke up to my sweet girl all nuzzled up with me! And Jake and Caroline were all smiles when they woke up and saw me! What a great welcome back!

All in all, it was a great trip and I am thankful for the break. I am also thankful to be back home with my family.

I had a BIG day!

2010-03-24T13:19:00.000-07:00

Warning..this post is going to be a long one!

As you know, I recently volunteered at an event that my work sponsored. It was for St. Baldrick's. I work for a very large company and we were able to have events in 10 different locations all around the world. We raised over $500K for St. Baldrick's!! That is amazing! I am so proud to work for such a great company that gives back to the community.

Our event was held on March 16th. Prior to the event, all the volunteers were on a phone call going over who was going to what, where, etc. During the call, the it was asked if any of us were volunteering in honor of anyone. I spoke up. I told Layla's story. The leader of the event asked if I would share her story on stage at the event. GULP! I thought, OH NO! Nothing frightens me more (okay, maybe flying) than speaking in front of a large crowd. He could tell I hesitated and he said that if I was uncomfortable that someone else could do it. I told him that I would think about it.

So, I thought about it. I thought...man, it takes a lot of courage and guts to go in front of 300+ people and speak. See, I was always the girl with the shaky, trembling knees when it came time to give an oral book report in front of my classmates in elementary school. It has NEVER been my thing.

Then it hit me. It took Layla a whole lot of courage and guts to fight that monster. The fight and tenacity she showed will always be an inspiration to me. So, obviously getting on the stage and telling her story no longer seemed that bad. Still nerve wracking, but now I knew I could do it.

So, the day came. The event started. The room was full and I was working the T-shirt table. Our emcee got up and kicked off the event! He then said "and now we have someone who would like to share something with us, is Jenn here?" Did he just say my name. I knew it was going to be a possibility, but I thought surely there was someone else who had a story to tell too. But, I guess not. So I raised my hand from the very back of the room and made my way to the stage.

The first thing I said as I took the microphone, was that I have never spoken in front of a large crowd before and that if I faint, someone better pick me up. So here I was on the stage. All eyes upon me, lights beating down hot on my face, which I am sure was already 50 shades of red! I took a deep breath and told her story.

It went something like this:

"I am here to honor Layla Grace, a little girl, who one week ago today lost her battle with cancer. She was only 27months old. Young enough to count in months. She was taken away by a cancer called Neuroblastoma. A rare cancer that attacks the nervous system. She fought very, very hard"...then I kind of draw a blank as to what else I said. I wasn't up there very long. But enought to make an impact and introduce all those people to Layla.

Surprisingly, it was the easiest thing to do. And I truly think that is because she touched me soo deeply and emotionally that it was easy to talk about her and share her with everyone.

I walked off the stage and back to the t-shirt table. A few minutes went by and our SVP of Sales came over to talk with me about Layla. We talked and he told me how touched he was.

A few other people came up to me over the course of the event and said the same thing. They cried, they were moved, etc.

Then the SVP of Sales motioned for me to join him in a conversation he was having with the Chief Philanthropist of St. Baldrick's. She told me how much that story moved her. We spoke for about another 20minutes. I shared with her all I could about Layla. How I came to know of her. How much she meant to me and how she has impacted my life.

This is where the story gets interesting!

I told her that I wanted to start my own non-profit to bring awareness to cord blood donation because it cancer's such as Neuroblastoma, it is genetic. Which means, Layla would not have been able to use her own banked cord blood. Of course, she knew all about Neuroblastoma. In fact, she told me that the bulk of their money goes to finding a cure for Neuroblastoma. In fact, check this link out! She then asked me what my goal was and how I was going to run my non-profit. I told her all I wanted to do and achieve. And she said "Here is my card. I want to Partner with you. Call me when you get up and running." WHAT?? Did that really just happen!! Oh my! St. Baldrick's wants to partner with me in bringing awareness to cord blood donation!! Woot, Woot!! I was smiling from ear to ear and ALL I could think about was Layla.

All because of a little girl named Layla. Had I not gotten on that stage and told her story, this would not be happening. And this happening, means that MAYBE another child will be spared from this ugly monster.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-03-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

Wordless Wednesday

2010-03-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

My handsome boy!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-03-17T09:25:00.000-07:00

My girls ;)

Fuzzy reality

2010-03-16T13:55:00.000-07:00

So, I pick the kids up. They are all smiling and happy! Excited to see each other and me! We get home, make a nice dinner, everyone eats and we enjoy each other's company.

Now here's how it really goes down.

Pick the kids up. As we are leaving daycare, Jake & Grace always run to the van and want to be first to get there. Jake pushes Grace to the ground so that he can get in the van first. Grace starts to cry. I, having Cara in my arms, pick her up. Get her in the van. Tell Jake to stop. Get him in the van. Get them all buckled up. Ask them all what they want for dinner. No one agrees. A fight between Jake & Grace break out about what I will be making for dinner. We get to the house, they fight over who gets to unlock the door. We get in. They all push each other down to get to their bedrooms first to take their jackets, shoes & socks off. They all come out and immediately start barking orders at me. Mom can you...get me some juice, help me take my socks off, sit down and color with me, take my shoes off, put me in my seat to eat (cara)!!!, etc....

When I am sitting here at my desk at work, I am thinking about my sweet babies and how I can't wait to get home to see them all. And then reality sets in. 30 mins after I have picked them up, I am already frustrated. I hate this! Why can't we all walk in the door like calm rational people and enjoy what's left of the day???

I guess this is my reality not the 'June Cleaver' picture I have in my head.

I miss my husband

2010-03-12T10:24:00.000-08:00

I miss 'us' before kids. I miss that all my time could be focused on him. He always knew I loved him for I had all the time in the world to tell him and show him. I miss our quick little weekend getaways to our favorite spots. I loved staying up late playing Trivial Pursuit with him. I loved just going to a restuarant/bar and spending hours talking to him.

That was the past and here we are in the future. Don't get me wrong, I love our kids and would never trade where we are for anything! I just wish I knew a better way to balance it all.

We both work full-time and as soon as we get home, our second job starts. The kids are still young so they still rely on us for just about everything. Helping go potty, helping get dressed, helping get a cup of water. You name it, we are at their beck and call. And now whenever James & I try to have a discussion one of them will purposely interrupt by singing at the top of their lungs or needing something (not really, just an adversion). So our time to talk and reconnect is sooo very limited.

I want so badly to sit up and talk and watch a show together, but honestly by the time 8:30pm rolls around, I am completely exhausted. And I hate it. I hate that James doesn't feel like he is getting 'me' time anymore. I feel so bad about it. I want to give my husband all that he desires. I want him to feel loved and adored and I feel like I am surely falling short in that.

Date nights don't happen very often b/c it is very expensive to pay for a babysitter to watch 3 kids. His parents live by and we ask them occasionaly, but hate to abuse that option. They are soo generous when we ask and I know if we asked more, they would oblige. But I just feel guilty about it. I think b/c they are still so young and they are a lot of work!

There is a great organization that I just came across called "Focus on the Family". The first thing I heard was "Never be a better parent than a spouse". That hit home. It is soo very true for soo many reasons. One, my husband is such a fantastic man and I am so very lucky that I get to call him my husband and he needs to be treated and loved the same way I love my children. No less. Second, we are examples for our children and I want my kids to lead by example. Which means I have a lot of work to do!! ;)

Baby, I just want you to know that I love you with all that I am and want you to know that I am committed to showing you just how much. Thank you for being patient while your dum-dum wife figured all this out.

I love you!

Gracie's First Sleepover

2010-03-10T12:31:00.000-08:00

About a month ago, Grace had her first sleepover at Grammy & Grandpa's house! She had been working up to that day for a long time. My mom told her that as soon as she was using the potty like a big girl (I know, bribery, but please...she is 3 1/2 and we were not even close), that she would be able to spend the night, just her and Grammy & Grandpa! This thrilled her to no end! So the girl went on a mission and started using the potty.

So we sent her on her way for one of her first 'big girl' moments! Of course, I called a gazillion times to check on her and of course, she was having a blast! They took her shopping. They made cupcakes. They got their nails painted, not Grandpa of course ;) They were all in hog heaven!

My parents live about 90minutes away, so I met my parents at a half way mark and for the return, my husband picked her up. He called me as soon as he had her in the car and said "babe, you are not going to believe how cute she looks!! They dolled her all up and she keeps saying "mama is going to be soo happy to see me!". Indeed I was!

Below are the pics from her weekend away with Grammy & Grandpa. She is showing off her new outift, complete with hair bow and pretty pink (her favorite color) nails!

She is awesome!

God's will for me

2010-03-09T12:22:00.000-08:00

I sit here and I cannot think. I cannot concentrate. I cannot do anything. I am paralyzed with sorrow.

I am at work and people have walked by and asked why I was crying and I don't know how to explain the sadness and sorrow I have for a little girl I never even held. Never even knew outside the walls of the internet. Yet, it has touched me so deep. The same thing happened to me when Maddie passed. I cannot be the only one out there that has such feelings for someone they never actually met.

I just look at her sweet photo's and cannot understand. Everytime I see her chubby cheeks, I think of my Caroline's chubby cheeks and how much it would destroy me something happened to any of my children.

I want to jump on an airplane, right now, and go to Layla's house and wrap my arms around her mother because as a mother, I don't know how she will get through this, yet I know she will. But there is such a deep yearn inside me to comfort these people. To sit with them and let them cry on my shoulder. I feel so useless sitting here.

I truly believe that I came across Layla for a reason. I do believe that I am working through God's will and that he has a plan for me. I am now so determined to help get the awareness and education out there about cord blood donation. I know that it can't save everyone, but it could save someone. I will not let Layla's death be in vain. There was a reason she was born. There was a reason God picked her and she brought more awareness to this awful cancer that anyone could have imagined.

God Bless you sweet Layla Grace. You will forever be in my thoughts.

Another Angel in Heaven

2010-03-09T11:04:00.000-08:00

There are just no words. I am completely heartbroken about this and cannot make sense of it.

Why does this have to happen? I am sooo mad. Why God, why any child?

Layla went to play with the angels early this morning.

Rest in peace precious Layla.

11/26/2007 - 3/9/2010

Daisy Duke's for my Daughters??

2010-03-08T12:19:00.000-08:00

So, i'm out and about shopping this weekend looking at all the pretty new colors for spring! Loving the turquoise and the pinks!

When I stumble upon these:

Am I the only one that thinks these shorts are COMPLETELY innapropriate for children!! Why in the world would retailers even think that these were ok for children?

Am I totalling over-reacting? I just can't imagine ever putting these on my girls.

Room Swap

2010-03-01T10:45:00.000-08:00

Since the day the twins were born, they have slept in the same room. Never been apart. So deciding to separate them was not an easy decision. However, after much pleading from Grace (in her words), "Can you please move Jacob out of here! He keeps waking me up!". Jake is a very early riser (5am everyday) and as soon as he would wake up, he would flick on the light and want to start playing. This was not going over well with Grace. She was not ready to get up and was getting seriously ticked that he kept waking her up everyday before she was ready to rise.

So, this Saturday we moved Jake out of the room and moved him into Caroline's room, moving her out and into room with Grace. It made the most sense to move him out, giving him his own room. That way, when he wakes up with the roosters, he can turn on the light and play to his hearts content!

The move went flawlesly! We boy-ified Jake's new room with framed pictures of trains, cars, airplanes! Moved in all his trucks & cars! Gave him a little nightstand with a light and books. Moved all his clothes in. He was very excited to have "Jakey's room" as he calls it. His bed is all comfy and the room stays darker than the girls room which I think will help him sleep in later...already has! The first nap time came on Saturday, while I think he was a little lonely since he asked Daddy & I to lay down with him in his room, he was pretty content. Instantly he knew which room to go to when he asked him to get his shoes & socks! Went right to his new room.

So on to the girls. They seem very happy to be rooming together. Especially Caroline who up to this point, has been all by herself. During the first nap time, we could hear her and Grace talking. Carloline kept peeking her head over the crib rail saying "HI!" to Grace. She is soo happy to have her big sister with her. Then you could hear Grace say "Shhh...lie down and go to sleep". To which Caroline obliged and went right back to sleep. It is very cute to see this new interaction between them. Grace taking on the role of big sister is very cute. I think this will help them be even closer than they already are.

The only thing I will miss is hearing Jake & Grace early in the morning playing together. They were always so cute. Some mornings I would walk in and they would have their boots & hats on and Jake would be telling me how he was Prince Charming and how Grace is Cinderalla! Good times!

It definintely was bittersweet to separate them, but in the long run I think it will be better for all parties involved! In fact, Jake is already sleeping in later and made it all the way to 6am this morning! So did the girls!

Can I get a whoo-hoo!

So, I might have found my calling

2010-02-26T11:35:00.000-08:00

As I have posted many times before, my frustration is at an all time high with this feeling of helpless to help these babies dying of cancer. I am kept awake by their haunting stories. My mind is constantly being tugged to sympathize with this mother who is losing her baby and my deep desire to reach through my computer screen and sit for hours and just cry with her.

I am constantly thinking of what I can do to offer some kind of help. Whether it be donating my time, donating my resources, dontating money...but none seemed to be of enough impact that would satisfy me. I need a cause that would impact not just one person, but many families. And I think I found it.

So, I was talking to a colleague yesterday and we were talking about sweet Layla Grace and all that is happening with this sweet child. And it was her who actually started talking about the donating of cord blood. Then and there was an ah-ha moment.

The two times I have given birth, I was sent stuff in the mail about storing my cord blood. And it seemed like a great idea, but it is soooo expensive to do it and, unfortunately, the cost deterred me. Then I heard about a Dr. who suggested to his patient that they donate the cord blood that way, if someone else needs it, it is there. The goal would be that all mother's would donate the blood, therefore not needing to pay the storage fee and then there would be lots more cord blood to go around.

It seems like such a no-brainer. Cord blood can help with so many different diseaes. Here is the link the the Cord Blood Registery.

While I know that are many, many pros to this, as with anything, there are also cons. But I believe that the pros outweigh the cons.

So, I will be embarking on a new journey to encourage new mom's to donate their cord blood.

I honestly, have no idea how I am going to start and how I am going to get the word out to millions of people. But I am up for the challenge.

Will you help me?

How do I do it?

2010-02-25T10:47:00.000-08:00

How do I sit here and work knowing that a sweet, precious little girl is losing her fight with cancer and will most likely leave this earthly world before the day is over?

I know that many of my friends do not want to hear me talk about this and all the other babies that I get consumed with that are fighting one battle after another. I know it depresses them and it's hard as mom's thinking about that happening to us, but on the other hand, isn't that exactly why we should be consumed with this? Because it is not happening to us and we should be doing all the we can to help these families.

But what is it that I should be doing? I think this is where my frustration comes in. I feel so helpless that all I can offer are my words of sorrow, love and peace and that surely is not enough. Not in my book anyway.

I truly feel like God has led me down this path and I am here to do something of value but I don't know what??? Why has he led me to these families?? There has to be something I can do.

If anyone has any ideas...please, please let me know. Maybe us mom's should get together and form some kind of place where we can express our emotions and brain storm on what we can do. What do you think?

Wordless Wednesday

2010-02-24T11:39:00.001-08:00

Rockin the pig tails!

I'm not cut out for this...

2010-02-22T14:12:00.000-08:00

world. This world where babies are taken much too soon from their mommies & daddies. I just don't understand.

I know some of you must be saying "oh boy, here she goes again."

Yes, here I go again. I am heartbroken of hearing about a little girl named Layla Grace who is only two years old and is riddled with cancer. Her only hope is a miracle. I feel so damn helpless when I hear about these babies, who should be doing nothing but running around with their brothers and sisters and playing, but instead are in hospital beds being fed chemo.

I'm sorry if I go down this path a lot, it's just something that is constantly on my mind. I look at my kids and thank God everyday that they are healthy and that I can wrap my arms around them. And then the sadness and the guilt comes rushing in.

I had a REALLY bad day on Saturday. I mean, REALLY, REALLY bad. I woke up in a bad place and could not shake it all day. I was frustrated with everything and everyone. I had no patience or tolerance for anything. It was a BAD day. And I am ashamed at the way I behaved.

And then the reality of life slaps me in the face and I am brought back down to earth.

I just don't understand. I guess I never will. It is God's plan and somehow I have to learn to cope with that.

Until then, you all get to listen to my rants about it ;)

Gracie goes back to preschool

2010-02-17T11:16:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Grace's first day at her new preschool. All weekend we had been talking about it and getting her ready, or should I say, she was getting us ready! She kept saying "I'm going to my new preschool!" and would tell us all about her new teacher, Ms. M, and how she would be making new friends. The girl was over the moon about going.

So yesterday morning came and she woke with a huge smile on her face and was soo excited! She picked out her favorite outfit (courtesy of Grammy), picked out what she wanted in her new lunchbox. Wanted me to make sure we packed her new Care Bear blanket for nap time.

When it was time to go, she kissed her brother & sister good-bye and told them that she was going to her new school!

On the way to school she said "Mama, today is my special day. I get to go to my new preschool!". I told her that from here on out, it was going to be her special day because she would be going everyday!

Once we got there, we were told where everything was to go. Where to sign her in, where to put her lunch and things. We were shown her own cubby with her name already up on awaiting her arrival.

I hung out a while to make sure she was fitting in and boy was she! She immediately connected with these two older girls, who included her in playing a marble game and were all taking turns playing together. It was adorable. She seemed right at home. Not one ounce of shyness, no lack of confidence. She was on her way.

I stayed only 20minutes because she was kicking me out the door! She was just fine with me leaving and just fine with starting her new adventure at a really great preschool.

So of course, by 3pm I was anxious to get out the door and go and get my girl and hear all about her day.

As I arrived, I found her in the craft room with a pretty little princess crown she had made with foam pieces. She was smiling ear-to-ear and was soo excited to show and tell me all about her 1st day. Her Teachers all said how great she was and how well she listened and used her manners.

Nothing could have made me happier at that moment. I for the first time in a long time, felt like I had made a good 'mommy move'!.

This morning was basically a repeat of the above. She was thrilled to get there today and instantly knew the drill and sat down and started playing with her friends.

Life is good in the mommy world today!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-02-10T13:54:00.001-08:00

Mama's Song

2010-02-08T15:08:00.000-08:00

Ever since my kids were born, I have sung a song to them. So much so, that the twins now know most of the words by heart.

The song is 'Three Little Birds' by Bob Marley.

I love it when someone in our house just breaks out and starts singing the song. It makes a bad day, and instant good day. You can't help but smile. I even hear the hubby singing it too ;)

Just recently Nick Jr. made a cute little music video using that song and every time it comes on, my kids will start screaming for me. "Mama!!! Your song is on! Come quick!!" So we all run into the room and listen and sing along with 'my' song. Life is good!

Enjoy the show!!

Trials and Tribulations

2010-02-04T14:29:00.000-08:00

So, as of lately we have been thrown into a HUGE power struggle with Grace. So much so, that I am completely terrified of her teenage years!

Back in October we decided to pull all the kids out of preschool and put them in an in-home daycare (here's the post about it) because they were getting sick so much and Grace's hospitalization in January of '09 was the final straw. So we moved them over and thought it was the best choice. Fast forward to now and Grace's attitude has never been worse! I don't know if the two situations are related or not, but the girl is just being sooo naughty.

So after much discussion, we have decided to put Grace back in preschool. We are thinking that the lack of structure and the lack of academics is contributing to her naughtiness! I truly think she needs the structure and is easily bored without it. That and not having the challenge of learning everyday. It was just too much down time for her. She is going to be one of those kids they were are going to have to have in many activities.

Anywho, wish us well that the switch back to preschool will be an improvement in her attitude. Otherwise I am going to put her up to the highest bidder!! jk ;)

A Mother's Guilt

2010-01-26T09:43:00.000-08:00

Does it ever go away?

Caroline's cold has turned pretty nasty and required someone to stay home with her yesterday. So after my husband & I compared calendars, it was mine that afforded the flexibility to stay home.

So it was she & I all day yesterday. She was feeling pretty crummy. Runny nose, bad cough, and overall yuck. But she wasn't in bad spirits. She never really is. She is a pretty happy baby.

She was my little shadow yesterday. Everywhere that I went, she was sure to follow ;) If I sat down at the table to work on the computer, she sat in the chair next to me. If I sat down on the couch to ice my knee, she sat down next to me. If I went to the kitchen, she was right behind me. Literally everywhere I went, she went too. And I loved it!

I had to get on a call for a staff meeting and she had just woken up from a short nap and was not ready to be up yet, so I curled her up on my lap and I took the call with my sweet baby snuggled on me. Can't think of a better way to take a call ;)

My husband took her to the Dr.'s last night so that I could go to my physical therapy appointment and she got a clean bill of health. Meaning that she just has a bad cold. No ear infections, no lung infections, all is good. Which meant, she was clear to go back to the daycare today.

That is where the guilt comes in. As we were getting them in the car and in her carseat...she was crying and so sad. She just kept putting her arms out to me, crying "mama". :( She wanted her car seat belts off and wanted me to pick her up. She clearly did not want to be separated from me and I either from her. So what does a good mother do, I cried too. Her little tears streaming down her chubby cheeks got me. How I wish I could stay home everyday with her. She is a doll and I am soo in love with her.

I guess the mother's guilt never gets better or easier.

Hoo Hum Post

2010-01-24T15:52:00.001-08:00

Hmmm...been stuck again with writer's block. Writer...haha....if that is what you can call me ;)

Maybe it is because I have so much going on that I can't separate and write a post on each thing. Not sure, but I can't seem to get my thoughts out. Can't even think about a title for this post.

**************************

The kids are all doing great. Caroline has developed a pretty bad cough and a runny nose that I hope doesn't turn into something that will require antibiotics to get rid of! And I am hoping to not have to start the neubulizer on her either, but that might be unavoidable.

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In some great news.....Heather Spohr had her baby girl Friday night and everyone is doing great! http://thespohrsaremultiplying.com/

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That's all for now until I can un-block my mind ;)

For my husband

2010-01-19T13:45:00.000-08:00

Baby, if were sitting in a car right now and this song came on, I would tell you that this song, verbatim, is how I feel about you.

Only You Can Love Me This Way
-Keith Urban

Well, I know there's a reason

And I know there's a rhyme

We were meant to be together

and that's why

We can roll with the punches

We can stoll hand in hand

And when I say it's forever

You understand

That you're always in my heart

You're always on my mind

But when it all becomes too much

You're never far behind

And there's no one

That comes close to you

Could ever take your place

'Cause only you can love me this way

I could have turned a different corner

I could have gone another place

Then I'd of never had this feeling

That I feel today, yeah

And you're always in my heart

Always on my mind

When it all becomes too much

You're never far behind

And there's no one

That comes close to you

Could ever take your place

'Cause only you can love me this way

Only you can love me this way

So I survived

2010-01-19T13:41:00.000-08:00

Obviously I survived the knee surgery. It hurts like hell and is very swollen, bruised and full if fluid...but I am on the mend. I start therapy 3xweek starting today. Gee...can't wait to be tortured.

Anyway, not a whole lot to write about today.

Anxiety Sucks

2010-01-13T08:04:00.000-08:00

So, I am having knee surgery today. Nothing major, pretty minor surgery in fact. However, the thought that I might die on the table consumes me. I keep thinking things like.."is this the last time I will kiss my babies good-bye in the morning?", "is this the last time I look in my husband's eyes?" etc.....you get the point.

I am full of anxiety. Anxiety about surgery. Anxiety about flying. Anxiety about being stuck in traffic and feeling trapped. Anxiety about elevators and only ride in them if I absolutely have to. I have suffered from panic attacks since I was 18 and at times they go away for a good while and then, for reasons unknown to me, they come back and stay awhile. I have a prescription for Xanax that I keep on hand for times when the anxiety becomes too much.

And I know....it is all in my head. That is the most frustrating part. I can't get control of it and that causes me anxiety!! It is a no-win situation for me!!

If anyone has any good advice, I would LOVE to hear how you control your anxiety.

Grace did it!!

2010-01-12T11:08:00.000-08:00

she finally went poop in the potty!!

Yesterday at approx. 10:25am she did it!

I know this is hardly news worthy info, but for our household, it's just as exciting as the Steelers winning the Super Bowl! HUGE, HUGE news!! And we celebrated and are still celebrating!!

She was sooo proud of herself!

The promise (I know, bribery at it's finest) was that once she finally did that we would have a poo poo party and that she could pick out whatever toy she wanted from Target!!

So as soon as Daddy got home from work, she & I went to Target! It was one of those monumental milestones. Typically when we go to a store, I put her in the cart. But since she is a big girl now, she insisted on walking in the store instead of riding in the cart. It was a moment that is very hard for me to describe. But here was this little person, dressed in her favorite jammies (she insisted on wearing them to Target), holding my hand, walking in the store. Walking up and down the aisles looking at all the toys and finally deciding on a Barbie purse that has a BlackBerry ("like mama"), car keys ("like mama"), a compact ("like mama").

She was just too darn cute for words. And all the time telling me how she was a big girl now. Yes indeed she is.

Tonight we will be making cupcake brownies to celebrate!!

Way to go Gracie!!

side note: she truly is her father's daughter. On the way home from Target, we were talking about her accomplishment and she said "It was a lot of poop!" "and it had beans in it!!" Yep, that is completely a trait she got from her daddy ;)

18 months ago

2010-01-11T13:52:00.000-08:00

you came into my life. My sweet Caroline.

You were the sweetest surprise I have ever had. I thank God everyday that he sent you to me.

18months seems soo far away and yet you seem like such a big girl already.

Here are the words you are saying:

Dada, mama, uh-oh, cat, dog, tree, bowl, spoon, oww (your favorite), kiki, sissy, bubba, bubbi, grandpa, no, cheese, please.

You are the such a happy baby and have been since the day you were born. In fact, I am convinced that on day 3 (7/14/08) you smiled at me! Yes, you were only 3 days old, but you and I were hanging out and you were smiling at me. The pics below are proof! Okay, well maybe you can't really tell you are smiling at me...but trust me...you did!!

I love you so much and have said it over and over that if I could bottle you up right now, I would!

I love you baby girl!!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-01-06T12:05:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Holland

2009-12-30T13:22:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine posted this on her Facebook page and I couldn't resist re-posting it here.

This is the perfect way to describe raising a child with special needs.

Welcome to Holland
by Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not share that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this....

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and catch your breath, you look around...and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills...and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandt's.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy...and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away....because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But...if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't go to Italy, you many never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things....about Holland.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-12-23T08:08:00.001-08:00

My Son

2009-12-22T11:26:00.000-08:00

I know that I talk a lot about Grace and Caroline and have shown pics of the girls and Jake, but have just realized that I have never written a post just about him.

I thought about why I hadn't yet done it and I think it's because I feel so protective of him. He is my son and that little boy owns my heart! And for reasons I am still unsure of, I have a hard time writing about him. Not because I don't want to share him with the world, but I think because I am just protective of him.

When Jake was 11months old, I knew something was off with him. There would be many times that I would say his name and he would not budge. I could scream it from the top of my lungs and it was like he had selective deafness. He would not hear me or recognize that I was calling his name.

There were times that he would stare out the window at the willow tree. Watching the switches blow back and forth. He would just get lost in his thoughts. It was actually very serene and calm to watch him so still and content.

He was obsessed with opening and closing drawers. He was obsessed with anything that had wheels...still is! He could/wouldn't talk. His vocabulary was very, very limited.

The first thought that entered my head was that he is Autistic. So we started down the road of evaluation after evaluation. It was a long, long process. That involved many, many appointments with speech & occupational therapists as well as a couple of child psychologists.

After all the testing was done it was decided that he would start intensive speech and occupational therapy, otherwise known as ABA therapy. He started all this when he was 24 months old. The timing worked out to be perfect as I was pregnant with Caroline at the time and had just started my maternity leave. So the therapist would come to our house everyday for 6 hours a day. It wasn't long before we started seeing immediate progress!

After about 2 weeks of therapy, I finally heard what I had been waiting months and months for....he looked over at me and said "Mama"! There was no holding back those tears. So many worries vanished that day. And the smile that was on his face was one of pride and accomplishment. He was so proud that he was finally able to communicate with us! I will never forget that day!

He is now 3 1/2 years old and goes to a state funded school everyday for 4 hours a day where he still continues his therapy. They say that he is intellectually off the chart, and now they are working on his social skills.

He has come such a long, long way from where he was just a year ago and I am so, so proud of my wonderful son.

I love you baby boy!

~Mama

What time is it?

2009-12-21T10:22:00.000-08:00

It is a running joke in my family that I am obsessed with time. Everytime I go in for another surgery (more on that in another post), the first thing I say when I wake up is "What time is it?
". Why? I have no idea. But it is an obsession. I will ask that question for the next couple or hours until the meds wear off.

Well funny thing is.....it's genetic! Grace has now become obsessed with the time. She will ask me at random times "what time it is?". Now remember she is 3 and has no concept of time.

Funny how the kids get the good and BAD traits ;)

Am I crazy??

2009-12-17T14:42:00.000-08:00

I think I want to have another baby! Even as I type this it sounds insane! My husband and I are already stretched so thin emotionally as well as the financially, but the motherly instinct is calling at me!

I have two friends that as I type this could be having their babies. One is pregnant with twins, the other is pregnant with her third. Maybe that is what is making me want another one.

I miss the baby stage. I miss their sweet smell. I miss the cuddles.

From as far back as I can remember, I always wanted a big family. In my mind, it was always, "the more the merrier". But living where we do, does not make that easy. Daycare around here is astronomical!! Truth be told, that is the only reason why I am not pregnant right now! I am going to have to figure out a 'work-around' to this problem!

I guess all I need to do is go on another vacation sans kids and hope that I get knocked up ;)

Wordless Wednesday

2009-12-16T10:50:00.001-08:00

This was Caroline's first time brushing her teeth with Bubba & Sissy! She was soo excited to have her own toothbrush!

I told her to say 'cheese', she turned, toothbrush still and mouth, and said "CHEESE!"

She is becoming such a big girl now! Where did my baby go??

Guilt

2009-12-14T11:19:00.000-08:00

I'm not even sure where to begin with this post. So many thoughts are whirling away in my head and I'm not sure how to get them all out in one piece.

The guilt that goes along with parenting is at times debilitating. I struggle so much as a mom. I want my kids to have a 'perfect' childhood and I always seem to fall short on that order.

As you know I have 3 kids, 3 and under. People always say "wow" when I tell them that and then look at me as if I am amazing because of it. But what they don't see is that every fiber of me is cracked.

I'm guilty because I have to work. I'm guilty because I get frustrated when the twins act up...which at their age is almost always. I'm guilty because when I get to work from home, I don't have them with me and that I choose to send them to daycare and not home with me because I need a break. I feel guilty and awful for even having admitted that.

There are parents all around this world that would do anything to have their child around them bugging them and I, at times, send them to daycare.

My soul is in turmoil. I love my kids more than I could even express and only God knows how much they mean to me.

I struggle daily that I am not the parent that I thought I would be. I wish I had the patience to be the mom I always envisioned I was. I am sorely falling short of how I would be as a mom.

Everything is always rushed and no time to sit and smell the roses. We rush to get up and get out of the house. Then we rush when we get home to get dinner on the table. To get baths done. To get some type of quality time in before they go to bed. And that quality time, is usually filled with many timeouts and frustrated moments.

As silly as it sounds, I truly believe that I should have been a mother in the 50's. I truly dream of staying home with my babies and making our house a home. Ever since I was a little kid, all I ever wanted to do was be a mom and my dream has come true. But I feel that I am soo bad at this mom thing.

I am in awe of others that I see that appear to be handling motherhood so much better than I. And I wonder, how do they do it? They are working full-time and yet seem completely together and calm.

I know this post sounds very choppy and I apologize for that. But that is how it all is sounding in my head. Many, many questions and not enough answers.

I just want my kids to look back on their childhood and know that mommy loved them more than anything and that they look back with happy memories.

My children are my everything and I just don't want to fail them.

MckMama Giveaway!!

2009-12-09T12:07:00.001-08:00

This is too good to pass up! I hope I win! This would be more than awesome to win!

Good luck everyone!

MckMama Giveaway - just click here!

~Jenn

Where is December going??

2009-12-03T10:06:00.000-08:00

Oh my! The month is flying by.

Typically the day after Thanksgiving, the Christmas decorations are up, the tree has been bought and decorated.

Fast foward to today, 12/3 and the house is bare of Christmas decorations! I am slipping in my old age!

Seriously! It feels like I blinked and here we are in December already. I love, love this time of year and usually can't wait to decorate the house and get ready for a visit from Old Saint Nick. But geez, the days are going by much faster this year. And it doesn't help that by the time I get home from work it is dark and I cannot get into the shed to get the decorations out due to lack of light!

I am going to work from home tomorrow and make sure I get those damn decorations out before dark!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-12-02T13:02:00.001-08:00

It's the most wonderful time of the year

2009-11-30T12:25:00.000-08:00

I know that statement is typically used to express winter/Christmas, but today it truly felt like the most wonderful time of the year.

I was walking to the cafeteria to get lunch and as I was walking the corridor, I was loving the sights of fall. The trees are more bare now as leaves are almost done falling. The sky was a beautiful blue and the weather was absolutely perfect. Sweater weather, but comfy, not too cold.

It was one of those moments where you just have to stop and take it all in. The beauty of it all.

Life is good today!

Thanksgiving 2009

2009-11-26T07:29:00.001-08:00

I am happy and thankful for so much in my life. My children are healthy and happy. My husband & I are both healthy and happy. Life is good!

Happy Thanksgiving All!!

The Great Communicator

2009-11-20T10:47:00.000-08:00

It has been brought to my attention that I am not a great communicator.

At 39 you would think that I would have life all figured out by now, but not a chance!

God bless my husband for being a forgiving and patient human being. I am now aware that when he & I fight, I shut down like the Great Wall of China. I never really knew why I would shut down so hard and honestly didn't always know how to process all the info that was coming in and out of me. I have realized that when we fight, I am so afraid to say the wrong things and make things much worse and afraid that whatever I have said would be the final straw and he would leave. And to be clear, this is not because of anything he has said or done, this is all me and the way I have learned to communicate, or shall I say, not communicate.

I love my husband more than any other I have ever been with. He possesses all those qualities that mean so much to me in a partner. He is the perfect husband for me! And our kids are soo lucky to have him as their father.

And that is exactly why I shut down so hard. I am so afraid of losing him that I put up those walls....to protect myself.

I guess I know what my New Years resolution will be.

Here's to me...in hoping I figure this crap out sooner rather than later.

And now some good news!!

2009-11-18T13:05:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Jenny for sending me this info!!

Sally at www.tuesdayshope.blogspot.com welcomed a beautiful baby boy into the world!

Congratulations to all and welcome to the world little Angus!