The Revelation

So, here I sit on my 42nd birthday and I have just had a BIG revelation.

Lately, I have been withdrawn, down and out. Very blue.  I felt uninterested in work, in my family, in everything.  I would go to work and it was work.  Just that, work.  I would come home do what I could to get by.  I would make dinner, help with the homework, but was disconnected from everyone.  The kids, my husband, everyone.  Wasn't feeling it and didn't know why. 

Then, today it hit me.  I don't like who I am anymore. 
The person that having kids has forced me to be. 
The Nag. 
I am a broken, tired record. 

I am constantly repeating myself.....All. The. Time!   Times 3!!!

One of the kids will ask if they can do something.  When the answer is no, it instantly becomes a debate and an argument and then The Nag comes out.  I really, really do not like her. 

Before I became a Mom, I had a very different perception of who I was going to be and how I would parent my children.  I really DID think that I could be their friend as well as their parent and if I could just explain to them the reason why they could not do something, that it would suffice and we all would magically smile and all would be right with the world. 

Hmmpphhh...Not even close to my real life.

I am their parent and they are typical children who want to defy my every rule.  It's what kids do.

So, what's the remedy?  I wish I knew.   I don't want to be this person anymore.  I don't want to feel like I am the Heavy.   I want to be the 'light' person that once existed within me.  The person that wasn't bugged by very much.  Who was laid back and easy going. 

I am really going to try and change some things within and see if I can find a piece of the person I used to be.  Right now, all I see when I look in the mirror is the shell of me.