A Mother's Guilt

Does it ever go away?

Caroline's cold has turned pretty nasty and required someone to stay home with her yesterday. So after my husband & I compared calendars, it was mine that afforded the flexibility to stay home.

So it was she & I all day yesterday. She was feeling pretty crummy. Runny nose, bad cough, and overall yuck. But she wasn't in bad spirits. She never really is. She is a pretty happy baby.

She was my little shadow yesterday. Everywhere that I went, she was sure to follow ;) If I sat down at the table to work on the computer, she sat in the chair next to me. If I sat down on the couch to ice my knee, she sat down next to me. If I went to the kitchen, she was right behind me. Literally everywhere I went, she went too. And I loved it!

I had to get on a call for a staff meeting and she had just woken up from a short nap and was not ready to be up yet, so I curled her up on my lap and I took the call with my sweet baby snuggled on me. Can't think of a better way to take a call ;)

My husband took her to the Dr.'s last night so that I could go to my physical therapy appointment and she got a clean bill of health. Meaning that she just has a bad cold. No ear infections, no lung infections, all is good. Which meant, she was clear to go back to the daycare today.

That is where the guilt comes in. As we were getting them in the car and in her carseat...she was crying and so sad. She just kept putting her arms out to me, crying "mama". :( She wanted her car seat belts off and wanted me to pick her up. She clearly did not want to be separated from me and I either from her. So what does a good mother do, I cried too. Her little tears streaming down her chubby cheeks got me. How I wish I could stay home everyday with her. She is a doll and I am soo in love with her.

I guess the mother's guilt never gets better or easier.

Hoo Hum Post

Hmmm...been stuck again with writer's block. Writer...haha....if that is what you can call me ;)

Maybe it is because I have so much going on that I can't separate and write a post on each thing. Not sure, but I can't seem to get my thoughts out. Can't even think about a title for this post.

**************************

The kids are all doing great. Caroline has developed a pretty bad cough and a runny nose that I hope doesn't turn into something that will require antibiotics to get rid of! And I am hoping to not have to start the neubulizer on her either, but that might be unavoidable.

**************************

In some great news.....Heather Spohr had her baby girl Friday night and everyone is doing great! http://thespohrsaremultiplying.com/

***********************

That's all for now until I can un-block my mind ;)

For my husband

Baby, if were sitting in a car right now and this song came on, I would tell you that this song, verbatim, is how I feel about you.

Only You Can Love Me This Way
-Keith Urban

Well, I know there's a reason

And I know there's a rhyme

We were meant to be together

and that's why

We can roll with the punches

We can stoll hand in hand

And when I say it's forever

You understand

That you're always in my heart

You're always on my mind

But when it all becomes too much

You're never far behind

And there's no one

That comes close to you

Could ever take your place

'Cause only you can love me this way

I could have turned a different corner

I could have gone another place

Then I'd of never had this feeling

That I feel today, yeah

And you're always in my heart

Always on my mind

When it all becomes too much

You're never far behind

And there's no one

That comes close to you

Could ever take your place

'Cause only you can love me this way

Only you can love me this way

So I survived

Obviously I survived the knee surgery. It hurts like hell and is very swollen, bruised and full if fluid...but I am on the mend. I start therapy 3xweek starting today. Gee...can't wait to be tortured.

Anyway, not a whole lot to write about today.

Anxiety Sucks

So, I am having knee surgery today. Nothing major, pretty minor surgery in fact. However, the thought that I might die on the table consumes me. I keep thinking things like.."is this the last time I will kiss my babies good-bye in the morning?", "is this the last time I look in my husband's eyes?" etc.....you get the point.

I am full of anxiety. Anxiety about surgery. Anxiety about flying. Anxiety about being stuck in traffic and feeling trapped. Anxiety about elevators and only ride in them if I absolutely have to. I have suffered from panic attacks since I was 18 and at times they go away for a good while and then, for reasons unknown to me, they come back and stay awhile. I have a prescription for Xanax that I keep on hand for times when the anxiety becomes too much.

And I know....it is all in my head. That is the most frustrating part. I can't get control of it and that causes me anxiety!! It is a no-win situation for me!!

If anyone has any good advice, I would LOVE to hear how you control your anxiety.

Grace did it!!

she finally went poop in the potty!!

Yesterday at approx. 10:25am she did it!

I know this is hardly news worthy info, but for our household, it's just as exciting as the Steelers winning the Super Bowl! HUGE, HUGE news!! And we celebrated and are still celebrating!!

She was sooo proud of herself!

The promise (I know, bribery at it's finest) was that once she finally did that we would have a poo poo party and that she could pick out whatever toy she wanted from Target!!

So as soon as Daddy got home from work, she & I went to Target! It was one of those monumental milestones. Typically when we go to a store, I put her in the cart. But since she is a big girl now, she insisted on walking in the store instead of riding in the cart. It was a moment that is very hard for me to describe. But here was this little person, dressed in her favorite jammies (she insisted on wearing them to Target), holding my hand, walking in the store. Walking up and down the aisles looking at all the toys and finally deciding on a Barbie purse that has a BlackBerry ("like mama"), car keys ("like mama"), a compact ("like mama").

She was just too darn cute for words. And all the time telling me how she was a big girl now. Yes indeed she is.

Tonight we will be making cupcake brownies to celebrate!!

Way to go Gracie!!

side note: she truly is her father's daughter. On the way home from Target, we were talking about her accomplishment and she said "It was a lot of poop!" "and it had beans in it!!" Yep, that is completely a trait she got from her daddy ;)

18 months ago

you came into my life. My sweet Caroline.

You were the sweetest surprise I have ever had. I thank God everyday that he sent you to me.

18months seems soo far away and yet you seem like such a big girl already.

Here are the words you are saying:

Dada, mama, uh-oh, cat, dog, tree, bowl, spoon, oww (your favorite), kiki, sissy, bubba, bubbi, grandpa, no, cheese, please.

You are the such a happy baby and have been since the day you were born. In fact, I am convinced that on day 3 (7/14/08) you smiled at me! Yes, you were only 3 days old, but you and I were hanging out and you were smiling at me. The pics below are proof! Okay, well maybe you can't really tell you are smiling at me...but trust me...you did!!

I love you so much and have said it over and over that if I could bottle you up right now, I would!

I love you baby girl!!

Wordless Wednesday